


To Mend a Broken Wing

by IsabellaJack



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Minor Character Death, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-War Bucky Barnes, Romance, Slow Build, very slow build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-28 04:33:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 40,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14441475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsabellaJack/pseuds/IsabellaJack
Summary: The gravestone is staring back at him. Still the same. A slow agonizing year has passed and it's still disorienting and shocking.Bucky Barnes clears his throat and sniffs at the cold. Leaning down, he puts flowers and then wipes his nose with his already wet tissue."Why is your country cold all the time?" he asks, chuckling slightly.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've always wanted to write this. I've been working on it for a while. Hope you like it. May add to the tags later.

 

 

 

 

The gravestone is staring back at him. Still the same. A slow agonizing year has passed and it’s still disorienting and shocking.

Bucky Barnes clears his throat and sniffs at the cold. Leaning down, he puts flowers and then wipes his nose with his already wet tissue.

“Why is your country cold all the time?” he asks, chuckling slightly.

His late husband doesn’t answer back, of course. Bucky misses his voice. It scares him how sometimes he forgets what he sounded like.

He touches the stone and then steps back, hugging himself at the sheer chilliness of the weather.

“We got new shipment yesterday. So many books. So little time, am I right?” he chuckles a bit then his eyes catch another family standing for a burial. He notices how two women are beside themselves while the other people are trying to hold them back.

Bucky casts his eyes down and continues to give his usual updates. “Uh we also got used ones from loyal customers. I know you hate it but I can’t say no to housing unwanted and used books. You know me.”

A broken wail reaches him, and his heart thuds in his chest. He looks up again toward that family and finds that one of the women is on her knees, sobbing.

He can’t handle the scene or the noise coming from there, so he gives the tomb a kiss and leaves the cemetery.

 

 

~.~.~

 

 

Bucky holds his cell phone against his shoulder and cheek as he struggles to open the door to their small bookshop around the corner. The noise of London's busy streets drowning him out. So he ends up talking loudly.

"I already got my coffee. Need my scones, Peggy."

"You are _such_ a diva," she says.

He giggles, getting inside and picking the coffee cup tray off the ground. Closing the door with his foot, he flips the sign to ‘Open’.

"I'm so not!"

"I've been bringing you scones for the past two years. When did you ever do something grand like that for me?"

"I bring you books?"

"You're just lucky you're a good looking fella..."

He shakes his head at her comment and feels himself blushing. "Good to know that you only like me for my looks."

"You got the looks darling and I got the brains and that's why we make a great business team."

He puts the tray on the desk before putting her on speaker to take off his jacket and scarf. "I can say the same about you Peggy."

"Don't you dare or I'll eat your scones on my way."

"Fine, evil woman. Just hurry up."

Bucky ends the call and goes to the old record player in the room. He puts on the new vinyl he got of the Ramones and lets their punk rock music fill the place. Peggy would have his head but it’s still early and there are no customers yet. He grabs the small ladder and puts it against the new empty shelves in the back. Then he goes in the back and brings out a box of new books. Wiping his forehead, he starts stacking the new books.It’s one of his favorite things to do. That is why Peggy doesn’t even try to interfere.

Ten minutes later the door opens and Bucky pauses. He knows it’s not Peggy because it takes her longer to get here.

So he yells out, "Will be right with you."

Then he slides the last book in the box between the others on the shelf. Staring at it, he nods in satisfaction and gets down the ladder. Putting it aside, he puts back the box inside the storage room before he comes out. He wipes his hands on his jeans as he makes his way between the narrow aisles of bookshelves.

When he reaches the front, he finds a man. His back is to Bucky. He seems to be inspecting his surroundings and then ducking to check the souvenirs shelf Peggy had insisted on displaying. 

"How can I help you?" Bucky offers brightly. 

The guy turns around and Bucky quickly deduces that he is not from around this corner. The long expensive black coat with the sleek black suit underneath. Everything was in black. His shirt. His tie. His shoes. His blond hair is slicked back without a hair out. The expensive watch and shoes do not escape Bucky’s calculating eyes. 

When Bucky looks back, waiting, he finds the guy staring at him with a sort of astonishment and awe. Bucky all of a sudden feels very self-conscious with his old jeans and plaid shirt and dirty tennis shoes. His cheeks unintentionally flush. The guy is still silent and Bucky doesn't know what to do.

He fidgets. "Um, can I help you with anything?"

It seems to have worked. It's like the guy wakes up at that second from his daze. 

"Uh, sorry." Then he looks down at a card he's holding tightly between his fingers. "I'm looking for James Barnes."

Bucky smiles politely. "You're looking at him."

And it's like Bucky told him that he killed puppies for a living. When Bucky frowns his way, the guy clears his throat and looks at the card again. 

"You're James Barnes?"

"Yes."

"James Buchanan Barnes? You go by Bucky?"

Bucky frowns. "Yes, and who's asking?"

He's worried this time. No one knows his middle name or nickname except close friends. The guy is starting to creep him out.

The guy inhales deeply and extends his hand to Bucky. 

"Hello. I'm Steve Rogers."

It takes Bucky few seconds to let that sink in. And suddenly it all makes sense. The guy's appearance. Him knowing his full name. Those features that Henry had talked about a lot... how different, how cold, and how-

Bucky feels his body turn cold. His face drains of color and feels himself shake in anger. All the pent up anger and frustration, resentment and hate comes bubbling up to the surface. All those nights he spent consoling and helping out a sad angry and resentful Henry. A broken man.

He doesn't shake the guy's hand. "Get out," he says tightly.

"Pardon?" Steve Rogers looks almost bewildered and confused.

The door opens behind them, letting the chilly air in. Peggy walks in with a brown bag and a stack of mail. "I got you your scones, James. Now, where's my coffee darling?"

Bucky doesn't even look her way or answer but he sees from the corner of his eye when she registers that there are two people inside instead of one. 

"Oh, blimey. I didn't see you there. Sorry love."

Steve Rogers looks disoriented for a second before acknowledging her presence. He goes to say something back to her and Bucky wants to scream in his face. 

Instead, he grits and his teeth. "I said...get out."

Steve Rogers looks between them. "Maybe I should come back at another time-"

"No," Bucky interrupts rather loudly. "Don't bother. I don't want to hear what you have to say or even see your face."

"James!" Peggy looks appalled from behind the counter.

Steve Rogers looks down at that card he's holding. "I see that he told you about me."

Bucky feels like breathing fire at the guy. "Told me about you? You ruined his life and ruined our lives."

The guy frowns and then shakes his head. "If you could just-"

"No! Just get out. Don't you understand?" Bucky shouts angrily. 

Steve Rogers looks down at his hands before he folds that card and puts it back in his pocket. He nods twice before looking up at Bucky.

"Okay."  Then he turns and nods at Peggy before turning fully and leaving out the door.

Bucky is still fuming and breathing fast. He can't wrap his head around it. Four years of hearing about this guy's vicious doings, resenting him and hating him for existing and now he comes to his turf?  

"James? James?"

He snaps out of the memories and sees Peggy in front of him.

"Who was that?"

"Steve- Fucking-Rogers..."

Peggy frowns, trying to think and he turn away to let her have her time. Then he hears her. 

"Oh...oh dear."

"Yeah."

He doesn't eat the scones and his coffee gets cold and it's the first time in a while he misses breakfast.

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

 

 

_The loud noises and cursing reached his ears. His eyes fluttered to make sure if it was reality or a dream. Bucky turned to the other side and found the bed empty._

_"Fuck you, Steve! I swear to God..." a voice outside the room yells._

_Bucky frowned and then rubbed his eyes. So Henry was on the phone with his brother again. He got out of bed, scratching his stomach as he walked to the small living room they have. Henry was there pacing, a cigarette and a drink in one hand, waving them around._

_Bucky watched, alarmed._

_"Henry?"_

_His husband didn't even acknowledge him and walked around until he slumped on the small dining table chair.  He started mumbling and rubbing his forehead. Bucky was really awake at that moment and realized that this was the usual argument he'd always had with his brother._

_"You know-you know- that ... that's my right! How can you sleep at night? No-no- you're gonna listen! I'm taking my money and you're gonna regret ever coming to our family."_

_And he hung up. Bucky didn't say anything and instead kept listening to the harsh breathing of Henry. Five minutes later, Henry looked up and then sighed. "Sorry, love. Didn't mean to wake you."_

_"Family drama?" He asked before walking to stand over him._

_Henry waved his hand around, cigarette smoke distorting the air. "More like Steve drama."_

_Bucky walked another step, took the cigarette out of his mouth and put it out. "You know, you can sue him."_

_Henry scoffed and gulped the last of his drink. Bucky leaned over, elbows on back of the chair. "I don't get it. You said he stole your share of inheritance-"_

_"Because he keeps refusing to show me the will, love. There's no other explanation."_

_"You can still try-"_

_"Don't you think he has the best lawyers at hand? How else was he able to do what he did."_

_"Listen,” Bucky said softly as he sat on his lap. Henry put his drink on the table and started carding his fingers through Bucky’s hair._

_“We don’t need the money. We’re doing great. We have the shop…”_

_“It’s not enough.” Henry sighed and picked his glass again. “Life is tough. I don’t want us to just get by.”_

_“Trust me, Henry. We don’t need him or whatever comes out of that family. I have a lot saved-”_

_Henry shook his head. "I'll just bug him until he gives it to me. All my share. I’m not gonna rest until that fucking drama queen succumbs. He's not like my dear late father." Then he chuckled. "Of course he's not. He's not blood."_

 

"James. James!"

And Bucky jerks back, memory evaporating from his mind, only to see Peggy standing before him, her hand grasping his arm. 

"I can't. I gotta...I gotta go." And he barges out the door and leaves the shop.

 

 

~.~.~.~

  
 

Bucky walks the streets of London, not having any idea of where to go. He just wants to blow off some steam. 

How in the world is Steve Rogers here? How did he know where Bucky works? Didn't they reject Henry in the first place? Didn't they shun him? Cut him off? Making him hold a grudge until the end of his life? 

Bucky angrily wipes the tears falling down his face as he crosses the street to head to Hyde Park. He wants to get lost there. Better amongst the green and yellow than in his memories. His bleak and colorless memories.

"The fucking nerve of him!"

He breathes harshly and tries to make sense of what happened as he finally finds an empty bench. 

He sits there and lets the noise of the kids drown him. He doesn't want to think. He tries to let his mind go blank.

He tries but fails. 

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

"Good. You're back," Peggy says from behind the counter, books in hand. 

The vinyl record is still playing and he rushes to lift the needle up. He almost wants to break it. But he'd never dare. It was a gift from his late husband.

"James?"

His chest rises and falls, eyes still looking at the black vinyl.

“James?”

He closes his eyes and tries to regulate his breathing before turning to answer her.

"Listen, Pegs-"

She looks at him with a smile. A warm one and he can't help but deflate. He runs his fingers through his hair. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"I wasn't asking."

"You were gonna."

"No. I was going to tell you about a new shipment coming next week."

He purses his lips and then stares at her. She stares back, hand under her chin. It's a staring contest and she wins.

"You can't possibly want me to think about business right now?"

"You're the one who doesn't wanna talk about it."

"Damn it! You and your mind games." He paces. She sits there, waiting in her calm demeanor that Bucky have always envied her for.

"I..." and he feels his eyes tear up.

"Aw James..."

“I woke…I woke up this morning never thinking that such a thing would happen.”

He can hear her footsteps coming toward him, so he turns, eyes watery as he looks her way. “I never thought I’d put a face to the name.”

Peggy purses her red lips and hugs the two books she’s holding. “Don’t you want to know?”

He frowns. “What?”

She shrugs. “I mean he did come all the way here to talk-"

“Whatever the fuck he wants, I don’t wanna hear,” he stresses, hand waving around.

She raises her brow at him and he looks away. He has never lost it in her presence.

Peggy walks up and then raises his chin with her warm hand. “The scones are waiting for you. Come on.”

“Peggy…”

“I insist,” she says after linking his arm in hers.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

The next day finds him and Peggy having an early breakfast at one of the cafes near by. After having a regular talk about business, they walk back in silence which isn't the usual. Each has a cup of coffee in their hands. 

When they turn around the corner heading toward their bookshop, they see him.

Steve Rogers is pacing in front of the door, phone to his ear. When he sees them, he quickly hangs up and puts his phone back.

Bucky fumes. He strides toward him, and he hears Peggy's heels running after him.

"I thought I told you to fuck off."

Steve Rogers puts his hands up and calmly says, "I'm not here to cause any trouble."

Bucky sneers at him. "Are you kidding me? You've been nothing but trouble and that was before you showed your face."

Steve Rogers looks away and Bucky makes a fist, eyeing that jaw. It wouldn't hurt to punch it, he thinks.

The guy looks down as he says, "I just want to ask-"

"No. Fuck off!"

"James, wait," Peggy says behind him.

He turns to her and lowers his voice. "Peggy. Stay out of this."

The guy's voice reaches him. "Extend me the courtesy of telling me where he's buried."

Bucky's breath is already labored and he closes his eyes to compose himself. He purses his lips and turns sharply toward the guy. "Why? So you can desecrate it?"

The guy looks horrified."No. God no..."

Bucky thinks for a split second that he may have went overboard with that but then he shuts that part of him down. And he continues to push again.

"It's been a year. A year! And you _just_ remembered?"

Steve Rogers looks away, putting his hands in the pockets of his long black coat. "I only found out six months ago."

"And that's better?" Bucky almost shrieks. "You're not helping your case!"  


The guy swallows, looks at Bucky and goes to say something but then looks down. "I just need the location. That's all."

Bucky stands there, chest heaving with anger, before shaking his head and delivering what he hopes is another blow. "He wouldn't want you there."

And with that, he doesn't wait and walks past a still Steve Rogers to get inside the shop, almost breaking the lock to get in quickly. Not wanting anything from that guy.

Minutes later Peggy walks in. Bucky's eyes search for that dreadful guy through the glass and thankfully finds that he's gone.  


Then he sees her flipping the sign to 'Closed'. 

"What are you doing?" He asks, confused.

She puts her coffee cup on the desk and turns to him, hands on hips. "This time, we're going to talk about it."

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

 

 

"Switch that sign back. Customers are gonna be here any minute."

"Don't change the subject."

"I'm not gonna justify what I did.” He feels himself shaking so he folds his arms over his chest.

Peggy raises her brow. "So you realize that what you did is wrong."

"Let's agree to disagree."

Oh he knows he was wrong and rude but he holds his grounds. He has his reasons.

"I'm not going to tell you that you should welcome the guy with open arms but the least you could do is be civilized."

He throws his arms in the air. "I was-"

"You were rude and that's not the James I know."

He sees genuine disappointment in her eyes, so he can't help but cast his eyes down. Then he remembers that she doesn't really get it. She hasn't been there from the beginning. The start. Henry’s broken heart. His constant struggles in life. His pain. 

"You don't know, Peggy," he says in a resigned manner.

"I do actually. Or did you forgot that I knew your husband well?"

Bucky shakes his head and lets out a hollow laugh. "That's different."

"You're _not_ him," she says pointedly.

He looks up fast and frowns her way. "Excuse me?"

She gives him a look that for the first time he doesn't know how to decipher. Then she takes few steps toward him. The sound of her heels is filling the still air around him. It’s strangely loud.

"You're not your husband."

Bucky’s heart thuds in his chest. This time he only hears the ringing in his ears.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He gulps, really afraid of what she's gonna say. 

"How you acted just now, outside, was how Henry would've acted."

He doesn’t know how to respond to that and he’s very afraid of the implications behind her words. 

He’s rendered speechless. His skin breaks into goosebumps and he doesn’t like it.

She continues in a soft voice. "That's not the James I know."

He honestly doesn't know how to respond and flinches a bit when she reaches over and holds his arm. 

"The James I know would've handled it differently."

Rushing memories through his brain makes him blink twice before shaking his head. Dismissing her argument. "No. The whole situation is different. He's not a normal guy."

"Isn't he though?"

He shakes his head. “Not Steve Rogers. I can assure you.”

She shrugs. "Seems to me that he, too, have lost someone."

"Six months, Peggy!" He says hotly. His eyes are beginning to water and he’s angry. He’s not the bad guy here. Steve Rogers is. _Why can’t she see that?_

"Six months."

"You don't know why. We don't. But what we all know is that… it's still loss."

A tear finally falls down his cheek and he brushes it quickly, avoiding the tender look she's giving him. 

She pats his cheek twice before taking a deep breath and stepping back to go and flip the sign back to 'Open'.

"I really need you to cool down this week because I have people coming over this weekend."

He jerks back a bit at the drastic change of subject. As much as he’d love to prove her wrong, he’s very glad for that. Talking about anything related to Steve Rogers disgusts him.

He sighs loudly and wipes his face. "Why?"

"I'm a popular girl, James."

He makes a disgusted face her way and for a second everything is back to normal. "Come on...what's the occasion?"

She shrugs. "Just friends."

"If you're doing this for me-"

"My world doesn't revolve around you, you know."

He smiles a bit in spite of the horrible morning he’s just had. Maybe he’s finally rid of _him_.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Bucky huffs at the cold air and runs up the steps of Peggy’s Georgian house. He knocks quick and steps back. He knows he’s late, but he had to bring something with him. The only place that sells amazing cupcakes is very far from Peggy’s neighborhood.

“You’re late.”

Bucky smiles widely when he sees Daniel on the other side of the door. “Hey! What a relief. You’re invited too?”

“You know I can’t say no.”

After they pull apart from their hug, Bucky gives him a knowing look. “Of course, lover boy.”

“Shhh! Jesus! Way to out me.”

“You need to move, Sousa. And fast.”

Sousa chuckles and claps him on the shoulder. “She’s in the dining room.”

Bucky hands him the box so he can hang his coat. Then he takes it back and heads to where Peggy is to apologize. Sousa follows him.

The place is quiet.

“I don’t hear anyone," Bucky mutters. "Are you sure I’m late?”

“I think so. You know Peggy. She doesn’t…reveal much.”

Bucky laughs but stops dead in his tracks when he passes through the sitting area.

Steve Rogers is sitting there on the sofa, a cup of tea right across from him on the vintage coffee table. He stands up as soon as he sees Bucky, the word “Oh” escaping him. He seems to be as surprised as him.

Bucky’s blood boils all over again even though he’s had quite a peaceful week.

_Just friends, my ass!_

He doesn’t say anything to Steve and instead moves quickly to the kitchen and right through to the dining area. He barges in and finds her setting up the table.

“What the _hell_ is this? What do you think you’re doing?” he hisses.

She goes about her way as if nothing is the matter. “What?” and when she turns around, she eyes the box. “Oooh, what did you bring?”

He clutches it close to his chest. She tries to pry it out of his hands and succeeds. “Cupcakes. Very American of you.”

“I _am_ an American!”

She raises her brow. “Okay, patriot.”

Then he moves, following her as she’s putting the napkins next to each set.

"Why are you doing this?"

She pauses, one hand on her hip and the other holding the back of the chair. “I’m very interested in what he wants and who he is. And I think it’d be better if we got to know him.”

He waves his hands around in utter frustration. “There’s no _we_ here.”

She dares to pout his way before patting him on the head like a kid. It bugs the hell out of him.

“I thought we were a team. The best there is," she says.

It’s a challenge. He knows her. But he also knows that she always has a goal in mind. For everything.

But he's not gonna make it easy for her. Not this one.

So, he nods and then opens the fridge rather violently. He grabs a beer and dawns it fast. “Alright. Let’s get this show on the road. Shall we?”

“Okay. Be a dear and open the door for the delivery boy. Food is seconds away.”

And if looks could kill…

   
 

 ~.~.~.~

 

 

“So Steve, how do you find London?” Peggy asks, pouring wine for him.

Bucky sits there opposite him, not letting him off the hook. Ever since they were seated, Bucky has been eyeing him and his every move. Determined to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.

Steve smiles Peggy’s way. “It’s really nice.”

“You don’t have to be polite about it. It’s dreadful.”

Bucky adds coldly, “She can’t control the weather, you know.”

Sousa chuckles and asks Bucky to pass the bowl of salad. He does without breaking eye-contact with Steve. The latter is looking anywhere but Bucky.

_Good._

“So Steve,” Sousa starts. “You here on business?”

They all get quiet and it’s in that moment that Steve looks Bucky’s way, but it’s fleeting. Just a quick, hesitant glance.

“Uh…sort of.”

Bucky shakes his head and snickers. “God…”

And he shoves a piece of bread in his mouth, trying not to jump across the table and strangle the guy.

“What do you do?” Peggy asks, hand under her chin.

“I…”

Bucky notices him fidgeting and he relishes in it.

“I…” and he scratches his head. “I run the family business.”

“After you stole it,” Bucky says casually.

That earns him a look from Peggy and a terrified look from Sousa who puts his fork down, sensing something. It’s obvious to Bucky now that his friend doesn’t know the identity of their guest.

Bucky stares at Steve who is finally-thankfully-staring back. And this time Bucky sees something new. A fire. A challenge.

_Bring it on, fucker!_

“So,” Sousa says rather loudly. “Peggy told me you’re from New York?”

Steve breaks the staring contest with Bucky and looks to his left at Sousa. He smiles. “Yeah.”

“Still beautiful?”

“Timelessly so.”

“When did you get here?” Peggy pours herself wine.

“Last week.”

“It took you a week to ask about the grave?” Bucky asks incredulously.

“James…”

He tilts his head aside and continues, “Wonder how you run that company with that attitude?”

“Jesus,” Sousa says under his breath.

Bucky leans over when Steve is staring at his own full plate. He delivers a blow. “Then again…you weren't the rightful heir.”

The screech of the wooden chair disturbs the tensely quiet atmosphere. They all look up at Steve standing up. His face is red and his breathing heavy.

He looks Peggy’s way. “I’m sorry but I gotta go.”

“You always run from things, huh Rogers?” Bucky sneers his way. “Henry was right.”

“James!” Peggy is looking daggers at him.

Bucky doesn’t waver even though his heart is beating madly at what he’s doing. He can’t stop. It's apparent that he’s wounding the guy and he wants to continue twisting the knife.

Steve Rogers folds the napkin that was on his lap very gently and puts it on the table next to his still full plate. He gives Peggy a polite smile. “The dinner was lovely. Thank you. I’ll see myself out.”

They all get up when he leaves except Bucky. He pours himself wine but doesn’t drink. His hand is shaking and he wrings his fingers together to calm down. To stop the shaking.

Then he’s yanked by his arm and looking up he finds Peggy. She drags him to the narrow hallway. She pushes him against the wall and jabs her finger in his chest.

“Listen carefully James Barnes. You don’t get to insult my guests.”

“You shouldn’t have invited him,” he says and is shocked to hear himself sound vulnerable. “You hurt me when you did.”

She sighs and steps back.

Bucky lowers his head, searching for her eyes. “Of all the people you wanted to get acquainted with, this is-”

"I lost my own brother a long time ago in Afghanistan," she says calmly.

Bucky's taken aback by the reminder. He knows about her brother. She’s his best friend and only friend. But she’s never talked about him much. It’s always been a sore subject for her. 

"And I still feel enraged and helpless whenever I remember that we don’t know where he’s buried.”

Bucky feels like he just got slapped in the face. He doesn't say anything back and stands there in the hallway. Stoic and numb.  

“So excuse me for wanting to help someone not to be in that predicament.”

He’s flushing. “Pegs…”

“I’m not telling you this to be sorry for me.” She folds her arms over her chest. “I could’ve told him, you know. That day, outside the bookshop.”

He holds his breath and looks down, feeling slightly ashamed.

“But I didn’t, James. Out of respect for your feelings. I thought it should be you.”

He lets out a long-winded breath and looks up the ceiling. He feels Peggy leave, the sound of her heels fading and then comes the soft click of a door.

Bucky puts his head in his hands. “Fuck!”

“I thought he was a new business partner,” Sousa’s voice reaches him.

Bucky uncovers his face and sees his friend leaning on the door frame. He looks confused.

“Peggy will fill you in later,” Bucky says before striding toward the main door. Like a man on a mission.

As soon as he opens it, he finds Steve Rogers still standing on the sidewalk. His hands in his pockets, and his head lifted up to the sky.

“It’s alright, Miss Carter," Steve says quietly. "I underst-" and that’s when he turns around and sees Bucky. 

Bucky has already made his decision. So he takes a deep breath and walks up until he stands next Steve. He doesn’t look his way though. He keeps his eyes straight ahead.

“Okay.”

“Pardon?”

Bucky folds his lips in and braces himself. His heart is breaking but he says it anyway because it’s the right thing to do. It’s how he would’ve done it anyhow. 

“Okay. I’ll take ya.”

And he turns to his right. He’s surprised by the grateful and relieved look on Steve Roger’s face. Utter and total gratitude.

“You don’t have to take me. Just tell me where-“

“No. I want to go.”

“Thank you, Bucky…”

Bucky shakes his head hard and looks away. “James. I’m James to you.”

“Right. Apologies.”

A black car arrives and parks right up where they're standing. Bucky notices the expensive vehicle and the presence of an actual chauffeur.

“Do you…” Steve looks between him and the car. “Do you want a ride?”

Bucky stares at him, wondering who this guy really is and how on earth did he end up here. Offering a fucking ride to him. Bucky just ripped into him few minutes ago.

“I’m good.”

And Bucky doesn’t wait for him. He walks his way home. And he lets out a shaky breath before wiping the tear that falls down his cold cheek. He's doing the right thing. He's broken a promise before. What's another one? 

 

 

_“When I die…” Henry said after taking a long drag out of his dying cigarette._

_They were in bed. Bucky turned to him, closing his notebook. “Jesus! What the hell, Henry?”_

_His husband was staring at the ceiling. “Don’t tell them.”_

_“Hey…” Bucky moved closer to him. He reached with his hand and took the cigarette from between tired fingers. “Don’t talk like that.”_

_It was like Bucky wasn’t talking at all._

_Henry snorted. "They never cared for me when I was alive. Why would they when I'm dead?"_

_Bucky was scared. “What’s wrong?"  
_

_"That’s my will. That’s all I’m asking for, Bucky.”_

_Henry finally turned to him and smiled. And Bucky knew that smile. It was always delivered when he was sad, broken and resigned._

_“Promise me, love.”_

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

 

 

Early the next morning, Bucky opens the bookshop. He looks at the time. They're not gonna be open for another hour. 

So he heads to the vinyl collection and chooses Queen's best hits. There's nothing like Freddie Mercury's voice to drown out his thoughts. 

He wanders around the small space, putting back some books and cleaning some. His stomach growls and he groans. In his sleepless state, he forgot to buy coffee or breakfast for that matter. The door of shop opens and he yells out. 

"Not open yet." 

When he comes up front, he stops at the sight of Peggy carrying a coffee tray, a bag and a jacket is draped over her arm. 

"You came?" He breathes, almost in disbelief.

Peggy gives him a confused look. "Why on earth wouldn't I come?"

Bucky shrugs and waves his hand around. "You know...last night-"

She lets out a hearty laugh. "Oh for heaven's sake..."

Then she walks up to him and hands him the bag. He peeks inside and finds freshly baked scones. 

"We're friends, you daft."

"Oh." He looks away and then something smacks his face. He realizes that she just threw the jacket at him. 

"What the fuck?"

"You forgot your jacket, silly one."

He frowns at his own idiocy and how he didn’t recognize it earlier. 

"As if I can ever be mad at you darling."

Bucky smiles, grateful, and follows her to their desk. 

"I'm sorry," he says quietly.

She touches his hand. "It's alright. And you know it's not me you need to apologize to."

He grabs the coffee cup she got him and smells it. He doesn’t respond to that. Instead, he drinks his coffee and eats his scones. Peggy is busy logging in and checking the e-mails to pursue the subject.

When he’s done, he wipes his mouth with a tissue before disposing it in the trash basket behind their desk. "I caught him before he left. Last night. I'm taking him to the cemetery today."

Peggy doesn't say anything but it does take her by surprise for she stops typing. He gets up to start welcoming customers when he catches her smiling.

At least that’s a win today.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

It's noon and Bucky is having the time of his life discussing Harry Potter with two seven year olds. They're comparing houses and Bucky has to crouch to discuss the serious matter.

During the heated discussion, he feels that he's being watched. That unsettling feeling of eyes being on you. When he looks to his right, he finds Steve Rogers standing at the end of the narrow book aisle. As soon as Bucky catches his eye, Steve nods his way and smiles. Bucky doesn't return it. He watches as Steve turns to make way for two teens. He miscalculates and ends up knocking two books to the floor. Bucky watches, unexpectedly amused, as Steve fumbles around trying to fix what he did. Bucky waves for him to leave the books because he knows for sure he'll misplace them. 

It seems that Steve got the message but instead of leaving them on the floor, he picks them up and holds them. 

Bucky goes back to the kids. "Let me show you guys the new colorful editions."

Kids don't usually show up in the shop often but when they do, it becomes his favorite day. 

And now it's cut short because of Steve Rogers.

_Ugh._

Bucky goes to look for him and sees him looking around, standing near the information desk. 

Steve Rogers sticks out like a sore thumb with his expensive suit, broad shoulders and striking blond hair.

“Uh listen,” Bucky starts, walking up to him. “We close at six. Maybe we go then? ‘cause I can’t leave the shop, so…”

“Yes,” Steve responds very quickly. “Sure. No problem. I’ll stop by then.”

Bucky puts his hands in his pockets, fidgeting. “I mean, it’s still gonna be daylight if you’re-“

“It’s fine. I assure you. I’m good. Whatever works for you.”

Bucky nods and they both stand there, not really knowing what to say. It’s making him edgy so he motions with his hand toward the customers. “I gotta go.”

“Of course.” And Steve heads for the door.

When he's almost out the door, Bucky stops him. “Hey.”

“Hmm?”

He extends his hand and Steve is looking at him in total bewilderment and a bit of confusion.

Bucky clears his throat. “The books. Unless you wanna buy them.”

It takes Steve seconds to comprehend what’s going on. And by the look on his face, he feels horrified.

“Oh my God, yes. Here. Sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Bucky takes them, making sure that his hand doesn’t touch his. And he succeeds.

Steve nods his way before leaving the shop. Bucky is already dreading the awkwardness coming later if their small exchange is anything to go by.

_Jesus!_

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

At five thirty, Bucky glances up toward the windows and sees Steve is already there.

He sighs and looks around. There are still a couple of people milling around.

“He’s here,” Peggy says to him as she rings a book for a young woman.

Bucky is standing behind the desk, arranging blank papers just to keep busy. “He’s early. I told him six.”

“You can go. I’ll close up,” she offers after handing the customer her bag.

“No, I’m not gonna do that. Don’t want him to get the wrong idea.”

Peggy snorts. “What wrong idea?”

Bucky gives her a cold look. “That I change plans for him.”

“God forbid,” she exclaims.

He keeps an eye on Steve and notices that the guy is busy on the phone. He also notices that he doesn’t have anything with him. No flowers for Henry.

Why did I even expect anything, he thinks.

 

 

~.~.~.~

  
 

Peggy ends up leaving before him. He stays until six before closing up the shop.

He’s locking the door and when he turns, he finds Steve coming toward him.

Steve greets. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Bucky says with no emotion behind it.

Then the car from last night pulls up and Steve motions with his hand. “Shall we?”

He opens the door to his car, waiting, and Bucky stills for few seconds before shaking his head. “No. I’m taking the underground. You can go ahead in your car.”

Steve looks between them and then closes the door, obviously making up his mind. “Okay. Whatever you want. We’ll do it your way.”

“That’s not…fine.” Bucky sighs before he puts his messenger bag across his chest and starts walking.

He heads for the nearest station, making sure that he’s one step ahead of Steve. He doesn’t want to walk next to the guy.

When finally underground, he remembers to ask Steve if he has a card. He doesn’t. So Bucky takes him to the ticket machine. He watches as Steve fumbles his way around the options.

“I…this is very confusing,” Steve mutters as he touches the screen several times.

Bucky taps his foot and rolls his eyes before saying, “Move. I’ll do it.”

“No, you don’t have to-“

“We’ll be here all day if I leave you to it,” he says over his shoulder as he faces the screen.

He selects the options for him then moves away for Steve to put his card number. Seconds later, he has the temporary card.

“This will be for this trip only. If you want something for the long haul, get the Oyster card. Saves you time,” Bucky offers before remembering that he really didn’t need to offer that information. 

 _Damn it_.

He bites his lower lips, mad at himself and turns, leaving Steve follow him.

As soon as they board the train, Bucky looks for a vacant seat. He has no intention of sitting next to the guy. So he finds one between a pregnant lady and a businessman.

_Perfect._

He sits and puts his messenger bag on his lap. Trying to glance casually, he finds that Steve is sitting on the far left side, on the set of chairs across from him.

Bucky pulls out his notebook and pen and tries to write something. It’s been awhile. He goes over the short stories he’s written. Most of them unfinished. But he re-reads them nonetheless.

The first stop, some people get off the train and thankfully the people next to his right and left don’t move.

His eyes though catch Steve standing up. He’s about to tell him it’s not their stop when he realizes that he’s giving up his seat for an old lady. She’s very old, supporting herself with a cane. Steve takes her arm in his and seats her, making sure her bag is next to her feet. She smiles up at him, thanks him and shakes his hand.

Bucky watches the whole thing in surprise and in a bit of awe. And then Steve is looking for a seat and their eyes meet. Bucky looks away quick, head buried in his notebook. When he glances later, he finds Steve standing and holding on to the bar for the rest of the journey.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

“Right over there,” Bucky says, pointing toward Henry’s grave.

They are few feet away from it. He turns and finds Steve standing next to him, apparently not planning to move.

Bucky studies him but can’t read the expression on his face. He’s not looking like the fumbling overly polite person he’s seen the previous few days. What he sees is a man whose stance is that of a soldier.

He’s about to repeat himself when Steve moves and walks toward the grave. Bucky stays back to give him privacy. His eyes betray him though.

Steve Rogers kneels down on one knee, head down. His hand reaches for the ground. He flattens his palm on the dirt. Bucky is thrown off by the gesture. Could he be remorseful? Realized what he’d done? How he wasted time?

Bucky’s eyes shy away and he walks all the way back to the cemetery’s gate.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Fifteen minutes later, Steve shows up. Bucky puts his cell phone back in his pocket and waits.

“Um,” he mutters without looking Bucky’s way. “You can go right ahead and use the underground. I’ll walk my way back.”

Frowning, Bucky secures his bag over his shoulder. “Hate to break it to ya, but we went through the underground for a reason. It’s very far.”

Steve nods and looks the other way. “It’s alright.”

Bucky is now half annoyed, half intrigued. “You don’t even know the way back.”

“I’ll figure it out,” Steve says before turning to Bucky.

And Bucky's annoyance evaporates. He sees red eyes, a resigned and defeated face with a hint of a sad smile. Total opposite of the expression he was wearing few minutes ago.

“I’ve always been on my own.”

Bucky never expected any kind of admission, let alone an admission such as this. Very personal and almost vulnerable. He’s stumped and doesn’t say anything back. Steve then leaves and Bucky stands there, wondering what to do with that.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Sleep doesn’t visit him that night.

Bucky sits there on his empty bed, staring at his fully stacked bookshelves. He taps the pen over his notebook as he tries to process all that has happened today. Taking Steve there against everything Henry had asked for. Seeing Steve at the cemetery. The devastation on his face. Maybe that’s what guilt does to a person, he thinks.

But then the scene of Steve helping the old lady flashes before his eyes and Bucky blinks. What was _that_? It’s not an uncommon thing to happen on the train. Bucky would’ve done it too. Have done it several times before. But why did Steve do it? To score points? To make Bucky like him? He did glance his way after the fact.

 

 

_“He’s always had my father in the palm of his hand,” Henry said._

_His husband was leaning on the dinner table at a restaurant that they were at during one of their evenings out._

_“Everybody was at his beck and call. And why? Because he was adopted. They all felt sorry for him. But I saw who he truly was. We grew up together. He was always angry. Started fights in school. Was a bully...”_

 

 

Bucky shakes his head and feels ridiculous at his over-analyzing. He turns off the lights and tries to sleep. And when he finally does, he dreams of Henry being disappointed in him, saying ‘How could you?’ over and over again. Then there’s Steve Rogers being mugged right outside of the cemetery, and then the people in the underground train are laughing at Bucky.

He wakes up with a jolt. “Jesus…”

He’s sweaty. His heart is beating like a drum. And his throat is dry. He rubs his arms, chasing away the goosebumps. Taking deep breaths, he reminds himself that it was just a dream. Looking at the time, he finds it’s past 4 in the morning. It’s no use to go back to sleep. He won’t be able to.

Bucky huffs a frustrated breath and gets up to take a shower. After he gets out, his eyes linger on Henry’s journals. He had kept them but never opened them. And now the lingering feeling of the dream and Henry’s disappointed look sneaks up on him.

“Shit.”

He puts on his jeans and a plaid shirt and he’s out the door.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

It’s really convenient for him that he lives in the building next to the bookshop. It's too early and no cafes are open. It’s also extra cold today. In his haste, he forgot to take his jacket. He groans and runs all the way there.

Inside, Bucky ends up reading. The activity makes him sleepy and before he knows it, he falls asleep in one of the two reading chairs in the shop.

He doesn’t know how long he has slept but he does hear the faint noise of heels. Rustling of bags. Jiggle of the bell...

"Darling, come on. That's not good for the business."

Bucky wakes up and comes nose to nose with a coffee cup. 

"Oh sweet Jesus!" He inhales the smell and hums in total bliss. 

"What on earth are you doing here? Sleeping, might I add."

After he sips twice, he licks his lips to chase the taste. She swats him on the arm and pulls him up. 

"Couldn't sleep."

"Writing?"

He flushes. She's the only person who knows about his writing other than Henry.

"No. Nightmare."

"Aw. Come on. Let's talk. Got you scones and muffins this time."

Bucky is so grateful, he leans and rests his head on her back, his other arm around her waist. 

"Idiot," she mutters, hand patting his head.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

He's cleaning up and putting back some misplaced books when he sees Steve Rogers standing outside, talking on the phone. Strangely, Bucky's first reaction is relief. It means he wasn't mugged or dead somewhere outside the cemetery. Last thing he wanted was _that_ on his conscious.

Bucky pretends he doesn’t see him and goes about tidying things up. At 6, he turns the sign to ‘Closed’ and leaves out the door. Steve is there and he smiles his way. Bucky doesn't smile back but does acknowledge his presence before giving him his back as he locks the door. 

“I thought we were done,” Bucky says coldly while securing the lock on the door.

“Listen, James,” Steve says.

When Bucky turns, he finds Steve still lost for words. The weather is still freezing and Bucky wants to get the hell away and back to his warm home.

“Well…what is it? I’m freezing over here?” Bucky mutters before noticing that there's something off about him. Labored breath and pale face. Did he run his way here? But he saw him earlier on the phone...

Bucky's instinct kicks in. “Hey, you okay?”

Steve smiles tiredly. “I’m here to ask you if we could talk.”

It doesn’t escape Bucky that he hasn’t answered his question.

“Talk about what? There’s nothing to talk about.”

Steve runs his hand through his hair, messing it in the process. He really doesn't look put together. “I know you want nothing to do with me-“

“Understatement of the century.”

“You don’t even say my name.”

Bucky did not see that accusation coming and his heart thuds against his chest. He doesn’t like the guy. Hates him. He doesn’t want to utter his name. But it was never a conscious decision.

“Believe me, I know," Steve says, still smiling.

_Why is he smiling?_

"I’m not an idiot. I know you can’t stand the sight of me. Here. In you hometown. Even right in front of you. And it’s the last thing you want. Talking to me. But this is important, James.”

Bucky feels his face flush against his will. His eyes look away. He hates that he has no comeback. That he can't rip into him like that night. He's caught off guard. He feels embarrassed too and doesn't know why he should. _This is Steve Rogers!_

“Here,” Steve says.

Bucky looks up and sees a card handed to him. Steve is waiting for him to take it.

When he gives him a questioning look, Steve answers, “It’s where I’m staying. I’ll wait for you in the lobby tomorrow. Whenever you close up.”

_How dare he? Just expects me to…_

“Please. Don’t decide now. Sleep on it. And whatever your decision will be, I’ll know. I’ll respect it. And I'll never bother you again.”

Bucky eyes the card and then Steve, who has the most hopeful expression on his face.

Peggy's words ring in his ears. _You're not your husband._

He wants him to leave him alone. To let him be. To let him know that he wants nothing to do with him. There's nothing between them.

Yet, his hand reaches for the card slowly and takes it.

He sees Steve breathes in relief before turning around and walking away. No black car this time.

Bucky watches him leave, wondering if he has just made the worst decision of his life.

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, I like writing angst. And slow build. Sorry.  
> All mistakes are mine.

 

 

 

 

 

Ten minutes after waiting in the cold, Peggy finally opens the door for Bucky.

He doesn’t wait. “Should I go? Should I?”

Peggy blinks twice, rubs her sleepy face and mutters, “What on  _ earth _ are you doing here at this hour?”

“I mean…my brain tells me to go but my heart tells me to stay the fuck away.”

“What the bloody hell—” Then she beams. “Oh my God. Are you finally going on a date?”

“What?” He feels his face flush despite himself. “No. What the hell? You know-“

“Yeah, yeah, come in.”

“He wants to see me,” Bucky says behind her as he closes the door.

She stops mid way to her kitchen. “Who?”

“Steve. Steve Rogers.”

She pulls a glass of water and drinks. “Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then you should go find out.”

He taps his foot, gnaws on his lip before he glares at the glass she’s handing him. He huffs before taking it and gulping the water in one go. It’s so cold and he’s cold and …

“Fuck this night,” he grumbles. “And fuck Steve Rogers and the minute he showed up.”

She doesn’t say anything. Instead, she takes the glass, rinses it and puts it away. When she turns back to him, all she does is arch her brow.

He sighs. “I should go.”

“Yes.”

“Damn it!”

She pats him on the shoulder. “And if not for you, then for me. I want to know what he wants to say.”

He shuffles his way to the door and she pats him on the back. “Be an adult James. And Stop pouting.”  
  


 

~.~.~.~

  
  


Bucky stands in front of the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in Knightsbridge and rolls his eyes.

“Of course he’s gonna stay here. Fucker.”

It’s so grand and beautiful that Bucky stays outside for a bit to marvel at the architecture. He winces at the cars revving their engines in the streets. He’s never liked this part of town.

As soon as he gets inside, he quickly feels like an outcast. The whole goddamn building is mocking him. He gulps and looks around. He really wants to act nonchalant but he can feel himself stick out like a sore thumb.

“Can I help you sir?”

Bucky puffs his chest and shakes his head. “I'm good. Meeting someone here.”

The guy who showed up out of nowhere nods and leaves him be. Bucky breathes in relief and heads to the check-in counter. He's about to ask about Steve Rogers when he hears his own name being called.

“James!”

He turns and finds Steve Rogers heading his way, a dumb smile on his face.

Bucky waves the bubbly person behind the counter off and heads to Steve who stops midway. 

“You came…”

Bucky shrugs and doesn't look his way. “Yeah, well. I wanna get this over with.”

And he looks back at Steve who is trying to maintain a polite smile but failing miserably. He nods instead and motions for Bucky to follow him.

They sit in the fancy lounge. It look a bit much but cozy at the same time. Bucky looks around and tries to look unaffected but the place is really pretty. After he sits down, he notices that Steve is still standing up. He’s signaling a waiter.

“Would you like something?” he offers after he sits.

Bucky shakes his head.

Steve smiles his way. “I’m afraid it’s gonna take long. And the coffee here is great.”

Bucky shrugs and then the waiter comes up. Steve orders coffee and Bucky does too.

“So how are you?” Steve asks too excitedly.

Bucky gives him a cold look. “I've been better.”

“And how's the shop? I've been meaning to say that it's amazing-”

“Listen, man.” Bucky stops him, and takes a deep breath. “I'm not here to make small talk.”

Steve looks embarrassed and looks down at his hands. Bucky shuts down the voice in his head that tells him that he's being a jerk. He clears his throat. “I'm just here because you told me that it’s really important. Now, can you get to it.”

Steve Rogers is the one clearing his throat now. They’re interrupted when their coffee is served. After Steve sips from his cup, he sits back.  

“Alright,” he starts. “How did you guys meet?”

Bucky sits straight, a bit startled by the question. “I’m sorry?”

“You and Henry?”

“Uh…”

He doesn’t know why he's asking that. “I thought Henry told you.”

Steve smiled sadly his way. “Well, not specifically.”

Bucky frowns. “What does that even mean? I don't get-”

“Henry and I never had a great relationship,” Steve admits.

Bucky keeps quiet, intrigued about what he has to say in that department. Because Henry never stopped describing how fucked up it is.

Steve scratches his brow. “I came to the family when I was ten. We were a year apart. Henry is older. Cooler. And English.” He chuckles. “We...we had a good childhood. I…”

Then he clears his throat and takes another sip of his coffee. “As we got older, we...we became more distant. We had a falling out. I don't even know how.”

Bucky still decides not to say anything, trying to see where the guy is going with this. Whether he’ll say what he knows or not.

Steve sighs. “I could sit here and narrate my life with Henry and how it all came undone but I won’t. Because there will always be two versions.”

He points at Bucky and Bucky feels determined not to fall into whatever trap this is.

“There’s the version you have and there’s my version. And you will believe the one you have.”

“I already believe it,” Bucky snaps back.

Steve nods. “I know you do. And I’m not trying to change it or even attempt to do such a thing.”

“Then what do you call this?” Bucky waves his hand between them.

Steve shrugs. “I just want to know Henry.”

“Come again?”

Steve looks to his hands on the table, rubbing his knuckles.

“I want to get to know the Henry who lived in London for the past few years.”

Bucky looks at him with a disgusted expression on his face. “What's that gonna do now?”

“Closure.”

Bucky sneers. “You think so?”

Steve smiles sadly and shakes his head. “No. Not ever. But I keep telling myself that.”

Bucky gulps. He is surprised by the response.

Steve continues, “It’s the least I could do. For him. For me. For the family.”

Bucky reaches for his cup even though he doesn't feel like drinking the coffee anymore. He takes huge gulps anyway.

“Plus, I want to get to know you too.”

Bucky couldn't help but let out a snort. His cup clanks with the saucer before he runs his hand through his hair.

“Well, you’ve clearly made your point in choosing not to have anything to do with me when you learned that we got married.”

Steve looks taken aback for a split second before gathering himself. He tugs on his cufflink. “I'm sorry we never got to know each other before. Truly, I am.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m not. I’m okay.” Bucky sits back and stares at him.

There’s an uncomfortable silence and Bucky wants to get up and leave but the hesitant look on Steve Roger’s face...the struggle that he’s having is intriguing. So Bucky decides to see the end of where this is going.

A loud ringing cuts through the intense air around them and Steve fumbles in his jacket.

“Sorry,” he mutters, looking genuinely apologetic.

Bucky looks away. Maybe it’s his cue to leave. He pushes the coffee away and moves his chair back and that’s when Steve Rogers sits straight, attention back on Bucky.

“Wait, please.”

In spite of himself, Bucky doesn’t move. “I don’t see how I could help you. What do you want me to do?”

The man smiles at him in a very soft way and Bucky looks away. He feels manipulated in some way. 

He can’t wait to get out of here.

“Tell me about his favorite spots. Where he spent his time writing. He was writing, wasn’t he? Did he publish anything?”

Bucky looks back his way and gulps. There’s sincere curiosity in the man’s eyes and Bucky starts to feel dizzy with the conflicting emotions he’s feeling in that moment. Should he indulge the guy or tell him to fuck off for being too late?

So he just shakes his head, afraid of showing how wavering his voice may be.

Steve shrugs and folds his arms on the table. “I want to know all about his business. What food he liked here. Drinks. Maybe start with the bookshop...how he started it and how you-”

Bucky stands up abruptly, chair almost falling behind him. He’s not looking at the guy. Because if he does, he will lash out and cause a scene.

“James?”

Bucky is trying to hide his shaking hands, so he holds the edge of the small table with his hands. The table’s white linen wrinkling in the process.

“I can’t…”

“What?”

Bucky shakes his head. “All our time together...we spent it together, happily. You can’t just come here and expect me to invite you to our life…”

Steve stands up and Bucky holds his hand up, not really wanting the guy to try to speak.

“All I’ve heard from him is how much you’ve hurt him and how much he’d hated you. I can’t let you in. I can’t.” Then Bucky couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of this day.

“If that makes you uncomfortable, then I apologize,” Steve says. “But...I need to know my brother.”

Bucky tries not to tear up. “You had your chance.”

“And you don’t believe in second chances?” Steve asks earnestly.

Bucky laughs humorlessly. He gnaws on his lip before turning and walking away. He takes two steps before pausing. Since he’s here anyway, maybe he can show Steve Rogers how much of a hypocrite he is.

He turns back and stands in front of Steve. The guy is still standing. He seems surprised that Bucky is back.

“How come it took you six months to come here?” Bucky asks through gritted teeth.

It’s like he asked him a very difficult and confusing question. 

He fidgets and Bucky waits, if only to make him just that. Uncomfortable.

“I can’t talk about it.”

“You can’t talk about it?” Bucky almost spits his question. He points at his own chest. “I broke a promise. I called your work to relay the news and I didn’t hear anything back. And it’s only six months-”

“I was in shock,” Steve answers and this time he looks Bucky in the eye.

Bucky doesn’t believe him and it’s apparent on the man that he’s lying, that he’s covering up.

Steve sits down and lets out a long heavy sigh. “You don’t have to believe me. That’s alright. But I’m asking you.” And he looks up. “We both lost someone. I lost four people in my lifetime. They were all my family.”

Bucky listens and Steve continues.

“You and I both lost the same person.” He points in Bucky’s direction. “You may still be mourning but at least you had some sort of closure.” 

Then he smiles sadly. “I never did. And if you don’t help me, then I never will.”

“I don’t owe you anything,” Bucky says with finality.

“I know.” Steve then looks his way apologetically. “But I was betting on the goodness of your heart and on the love you had for him.”

Bucky feels stumped and doesn’t know what to do or what to say. 

After a long excruciating silence, Steve stands up. “I’ll be here, right in this table at seven in the evening. Every day for the rest of the week. I’ll be here if you change your mind.”

Bucky comes close to yelling at the guy. “This isn't some business transaction! You can't just lay down your rules and expect-”

“That's not what-”

“I don't give a shit. Just...leave. Go back where you came from.”

Without saying anything else and without listening anymore, Bucky turns and almost runs his way to the doors and into the chilling evening.

 

 

~.~.~.~

  
  


_ “What’s this?” Henry asked, picking up the card Bucky bought. _

_ Bucky blushed. “Oh. I thought it would be nice to send your family a Christmas card.” _

_ “Oh love, not this again.” Henry went and put out his cigarette. _

_ Bucky sat on the chair of his desk and reached for the card. “Why not?” _

_ “You have to ask?” _

_ Bucky pretends to be busy sorting his bookshelf. “ You know...it wouldn’t hurt to rebuild relations.” _

_ Henry chuckled, shaking his head. So Bucky pressed. “Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to get to know them...I mean...for us-” _

_ “They want nothing to do with us or with you,” Henry said with a finality in his voice. “Precious Steve relayed that message to me.” _

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Walking through the streets of London doesn’t help. Even the noise of people, buses and cars doesn’t drown the thoughts crowding in his head.

Bucky walks and walks and walks until it’s dark and late.

He finds himself in front of Peggy’s door for the second night in a row. He doesn’t knock; instead he just sits on her door steps.

He wipes his nose with the back of his sleeve and tilts his head up, refusing for any tear to fall. His chest feels tight and his heart heavy and it feels like he won’t be able to stop the anguish taking over him.

It gets chilly and he stands up, turning around and knocking on her door. She opens up and thankfully she’s not asleep yet.

“Hey. How was…” she pauses and he sees sympathy in her eyes.

He looks down and shuffles his feet. “Can I...um...sleep over? Just for tonight?”

“Yes, of course.”

He looks up. “I just can’t sleep in my place tonight. I just...can’t…” and he feels himself unable to breathe easy.

Peggy takes him by the arm and gets him inside, all the while rubbing his back and whispering to him to breathe.

She takes him to the living room and seats him on the sofa. He goes without resistance and she leaves to make him tea. 

He stares at the wall for a while before she comes back and this time she sits next to him.

“Darling?”

He turns to her and clears his throat. “I went. I met with him.”

“I kind of got that. What is it he said that made you like this?” Her voice is so calming and strong, he wants to lean and let her talk him to sleep.

He tells her. Everything. From the moment he stepped foot inside that gigantic hotel to him sitting on her door steps.

By now he’s resting his head back and she’s running her hand through his hair, and holding his hand with the other.

“Well, I understand why it would upset you but I think this is a good thing.”

This time, his eyes leave the ceiling and find hers. “How could you say that?”

She folds her lips before sitting back a bit, wringing her hands together. “Why are you still angry?”

He sits straight, seeking her eyes. “What do you expect Peggy? After all these years, and after it wrecked Henry-”

“That’s it though. Henry was angry and mad at his own family. But now he’s gone.”

“And what? You expect me to just forget?” He says in a harsh voice, standing up fast.

She looks his way, calm and composed. “I expect you to move on.”

“I did.”

“No, you didn't.”

“You don't know what you're talking about.”

He stays quiet for a bit, hands shaking and he gulps before he asks, “What exactly are you saying?”

“I’m saying,” and she holds his hand. “You need to turn the page.”

He watches her and gulps, not ready for whatever it is she's trying to say.

She stands up and holds both his shoulders. “This isn’t your fight anymore.”

He shakes his head and she repeats it.

"This isn't your fight anymore, James."

He steps back and her hands fall to her sides.

“What about loyalty? Doesn’t that mean a thing-”

“Your loyalty lies in you still loving him and still remembering him. It doesn’t mean that you have to continue on...whatever anguished him.”

His breathing is ragged now and he starts pacing. She stands there like it’s easy to decide.

“It’s not easy.”

“You did it before,” she says softly.

He frowns and she walks up to him, elaborating. “He told you not to tell them and you did. He didn’t want anyone to know and you showed his brother. You took him to the grave yourself.”

Her words does it and he feels tears streaming down his face. 

She gives him a sympathetic look and reaches out with both hands, wiping those tears away. “Hush now. Why are you crying?”

He sniffles. Nodding, he closes his eyes. “Because I already decided on what to do long before I knocked on your door.”

She brings his face closer and lays a kiss to his temple. She doesn’t move right away. She stays there and he welcomes it. His arms go around her and tightens.

Only then he lets the sobs wreck him.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

The next morning, Bucky goes to visit Henry’s grave. 

Peggy had given him the idea that he could talk to him and tell him about what he is about to do. 

Which is shaking hands with his estranged brother.

“Hey,” he says upon arriving. “Today’s sunny, can you imagine?”

He gulps and scratches his head. He doesn't know how to start this. Telling his late husband about his recent decision. 

When he looks down, he pauses upon seeing something there. Right by the tombstone.

Bucky approaches and reaches for it. It’s a folded pieces of paper. There’s a small rock on top of it to keep it there. This is a proof that whatever is in that paper, is certainly addressed to Henry. For him.  

The texture is rough. Bucky unfolds it slowly and looks at it’s content.

It’s not a letter. 

It’s a neat and almost artistic profile of two kids playing chess. One is laughing and pointing at the other who is covering his face in shame or loss. It’s so beautiful and meticulously detailed.

Bucky’s heartbeat races at the realization that this is Henry. The one laughing resembles a very young Henry. So the scrawny smaller kid must be...  


Shaking, his eyes travel to the bottom and finds a signature.

 

_ You never once let me win. And I loved that. _

_ S.R. _

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine.  
> Hope you like this one. It's longer than usual ;)  
> Oh and I'm taking my time with this one. I'm enjoying writing the slow burn, and also sinking my teeth into creating original characters.

 

 

 

 

Three days later, Bucky walks inside the hotel again, determined to get this over with.

Part of him is skeptic that Steve Rogers will be there, waiting at the same table. In a way, he wants to see if the man was true to his word. That he cares enough to wait.

So Bucky heads to the lounge.

He finds him though. Same table. Same spot. Bucky stops behind a giant vase. There he is. Steve Rogers sitting there like he had promised.

It shocks him a bit. The amount of determination the guy is showing. He means it. This whole thing. Getting closure. Redemption.

Bucky gnaws on his lip and fidgets. Suddenly, he doesn’t feel very confident about this whole thing. Making deal with the enemy.

He shakes his head. He’s way past this. He had already made amends with himself. He can’t go back now. But for the life of him, he can’t make it all the way to the man sitting there. Bucky looks at him and finds that he’s looking very somber. Like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. His jacket is draped on the back of the chair next to him. His hand under his chin, eyes to the window.

Bucky sighs and finally retreats to go to the check-in desk to leave a note for the guy.

  


~.~.~.~

  


Bucky is in the bookshop the next day with Peggy sorting out old used books they just got from customers

“I still think you should've done it in person.”

Bucky sighs. “ _Please_. Not this again.”

“You leaving a note with the concierge is not how I would’ve done it.”

“Yeah, well.” He grunts as he hauls another box. “Not all of us are Peggy Carter.”

She arches her perfect brow at him. “No, you certainly aren’t.”

Then she hands him three books to put away before asking. “What did you write in your note exactly?”

He shrugs. “Just wrote to meet up here at closing time.”

She face-palms and he doesn’t even try to say anything else.

 

Few minutes later, they both spot Steve Rogers outside the shop. He’s apparently texting and Bucky quickly turns to Peggy, whispering quickly before he comes inside.

“Do _not_ bring up the note I found near the tombstone. Okay?”

“I mean I could ask him about his drawing skills-”

“Peggy!” he hisses.

“Alright. Alright.” She smooths her skirt and moves from behind the desk.

Bucky doesn’t know what she’s planning to do. But in the next few seconds he realizes that she’s changing the ‘Open’ sign to ‘Closed’ and ushering Steve in.

“Come in. Good to see you again.”

“Hi.” Steve nods her way and smiles. Then he turns and locks eyes with Bucky.

Bucky gulps and puts the invoices he was working on in the drawer, closing it. He can feel his heart thudding in his chest.

_This is it._

He makes his way to the guy.

“Hey.”

Steve Rogers is looking at him strangely but then he runs his hand through his blond hair. “I got your note.”

Bucky nods, hands in pockets. “I can see that.” And without knowing why, he blurts, “Thanks for coming.”

He can feel Peggy smiling proudly and he already wants this day to end.

“Are you kidding me?” Steve’s eyes almost bug out. “Thank _you_ for doing this.” He looks down and then up. “I didn’t think you’d…Listen, I know that...”

Bucky can’t handle the gratefulness all over the guy’s face, so he turns around, clearing his throat. “Well, we’re gonna close up now so if you don’t mind-I...I’ll be right back.”

He hears behind him a faint, “Oh, okay.”

Bucky goes to the back and closes the staff door behind him. He takes deep breaths and then goes inside the bathroom to wash his face. He feels his hands shaking.

“Get a grip. It’s done. He’s here. You agreed to do this,” he repeats it twice.

When he looks up at his face in the mirror, he finds it pale. So he grabs the towel and dries it, slapping his cheeks gently to get color to them.

“It’s not like I wanna be friends with the guy,” he says to the mirror. To himself. “I'm not even gonna be friendly.” He inhales. “It's business.”

It makes him feel better a bit.

The loud knock on the door jerks him back and his elbow slams into the wall and he almost wails at the shocking electric pain running through his arm.

“Fuck!” He swears through gritted teeth.

“James, darling? You ready? We’re leaving.”

He rubs his elbow hard before running his hand through his hair. “I’ll be right out.”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

  
Bucky makes sure everything is packed and in the storage room before he turns off the lights. He leaves and locks the door of the shop behind him. Turning around, he sees Peggy engaging with Steve in what appears to be a very exciting story.

“Hey,” he says for lack of a better word.

They both look at him, smiling, and Bucky has this surreal moment that he never thought he’d see those two people conversing together. Not in his wildest dreams.

“We’re gonna head to one of Henry’s favorite places. All three of us head there after work, almost always,” he explains, wincing inwardly at how he sounds, like a teacher or a tour guide. But he can’t help it. He doesn’t know how to act. Before that sketch he saw, it was easy. He would express anger toward the guy and enjoy it too.

This. Right here. Right now… he doesn’t know.

_Just don’t be too friendly._

“Okay. That’s great.” Steve says, smiling Peggy’s way when she claps once.

“We thought we’d walk there. It’s not that far but not close either. Can your fancy shoes handle that?” Peggy raises her brow at the guy.

Steve laughs. “I think my shoes are gonna be fine.”

And they both laugh lightly before walking ahead of Bucky who stares dumbfounded a bit at the ease Peggy is showing around Steve and vice versa.

They walk and Bucky walks leisurely behind them, his eyes watching them. Observing the difference.

They all used to take the same walk with Henry. But Henry would have his arm around Peggy’s shoulders, cigarette flaming in the air with his wild hand motions, lost in telling a story.

This one is a departure. Peggy is still engaging, but there's a difference. There's a space of respect but still with the same warmth, and he marvels at how she's handling this.

Steve on the other hand… to say he's different than Henry is an understatement.

While Henry walked around like he was owning the places around him, voice loud and body language louder, Steve was the opposite.

Steve walked with precise confidence yet with caution. It's like the walk of a soldier. _Did he serve?_ He doesn't remember Henry saying anything about that.

But the slightly hunched shoulders show that he may be nervous or tense. Maybe he's feeling as awkward as Bucky regarding this whole thing.

There's also grace in his walk and in the way he regards Peggy. Whenever they cross streets, Steve would put his arm around her back, not touching but present just in case. Out of protectiveness. Like a gentleman.

And he notices that whenever they cross, make turns or move from pedestrians, he'd glance quick behind him. As if to check if Bucky is still tagging along.

_Does he think I'll bail?_

And just as easily, Bucky gets irked and when they're at the last crossing, he jumps ahead and jogs past them. He is relieved a bit that he doesn't have to watch them.

Minutes later they're inside the small Dutch restaurant, with the loudest noises inside: the clanking of utensils, plates and screeching of chairs. And people.

Bucky is more than glad. This way, maybe Steve will just resign to eating and asking questions later.

Apparently he's wrong about that because once they're seated, Steve proceeds to ask, “So how did you all start the business?”

Bucky knows that he agreed to tell him everything but somehow the words die in his mouth. So he busies himself with the menus they just received.

Peggy waits a bit and when he avoids her eyes, studying the menu instead even though he practically had memorized it, she speaks up.

“Well, I was the sole owner before Henry barged in demanding that he works there. That he’s the best partner for such a thing. That books love him and he loves them more.”

Steve smiles and Bucky notices how it’s a sad and also a reminiscing one.

“And you fell for his charm,” Steve supplies.

“No,” Peggy says. “I fell for his.” And she points at Bucky.

Bucky tries not to blush and chuckles nervously. “She exaggerates.”

When he looks up, Steve smiles his way. “I'm sure she's not.”

Bucky wants to stops the awkwardness he’s feeling. So he decides to continue the story himself.

“We convinced Peggy that we’re the best people for the job. Henry became her partner.”

“And when Henry passed away, James took over. The truth is...they came at a time when I needed some space. Some time for myself and I welcomed the help. Especially James’s. He was like a shining light for me those days…”

She turns to him, nudging him with her elbow. He nudges her back and says under his breath, “Stop. what are you doing?”

“Telling the truth.”

“Are you ready to order?” The waiter shows up and it breaks the tension.

Bucky orders a crepe with Nutella and strawberry on top, Peggy orders coffee and Steve is still hesitant.

“James...you should change your order,” Peggy comments.

“Why?” he frowns, offended.

“Because it’s the same bloody order...be adventurous. How about bananas and apple?”

“Nah...I’ll stick with strawberries, thank you very much.”

“I think I’ll take the strawberry but on top of a waffle instead,” Steve says, nodding at the waiter.

When he leaves, Peggy raises her brow at him. “You’re boring too?”

Steve chuckles. “Who doesn’t like strawberry?”

“Henry,” Bucky says softly.

Steve sobers up, looks at him and they stare at each other for a second too long before Bucky gets up.

“Uh...be right back.”

He heads to the restrooms in the back. He doesn’t go inside. He just waits in the small hallway, taking deep breaths. The thought of Henry and even his own step-brother doesn't know such a simple thing...

He chuckles nervously at himself. “What the fuck? Get a grip.”

He wipes his face with his shaky hands and jumps up and down a bit to warm up before going back to their table. Peggy and Steve seem to be in the middle of an interesting discussion. It baffles him and awes him at the same time how Peggy has just clicked with the guy. She knew Henry too.

_How can she be so..._

“Well, I’m off.” She gets up, to leave, pushing her chair back under the table.

Bucky feels cold and his heart races a mile a second. “What? Why?”

“Remembered that I had to meet up with my niece…”

“What?” Bucky asks, surprise all over his face. She’s never said anything about this to him earlier today.

She gets up and Steve does in what seems to be out of courtesy and propriety.

“I'll see you around, Steve.”

“I'll see you later.”

Bucky motions with his hand that he's following Peggy. When they're finally outside, he holds her hand in desperation.

“Why are you leaving me? With him?” He hisses.

“Darling, you're gonna be fine. Just look at him for God’s sake.”

They both turn and see Steve Rogers through the huge windows. He’s sitting there, looking totally out of place with his expensive black suit, hands in lap and looking around like he’s lost.

“He looks like a golden retriever,” she says, face going soft. “A sad helpless golden retriever.”

Bucky is still frowning. “What's going on with you? It's like…” And his eyes widen at the thought. “Oh my God. Do you like him?”

She flicks him on the head and he flinches.

“In case that gesture wasn't clear enough for you, no. I don't. Not in the way you're thinking. And get a grip, Bucky.”

He sobers and clears his throat. “You never call me that unless you're disappointed in me.”

She pats his arm twice before turning around. “Gonna go meet my niece. Be nice and be a man of your word.”

“I always am!” He shouts and two people give him funny looks.

Peggy waves her hand around before getting inside a cab.

Bucky shakes his hands before heading back inside.

As soon as he gets to his seat, Steve stands up but Bucky motions for him to sit back down. He  doesn’t know if it annoys him or actually impresses him.

_He’s just trying to overcompensate...Jesus Christ!_

Bucky doesn’t know how to behave now that Peggy-a buffer-is gone. Apparently, it’s clear on his face because Steve speaks up.

“We can do this another day, James.”

Bucky quickly looks up, eyes sharp. “No. I said I’d do this and I will.”

Steve looks at him for a second before nodding. “Alright. Just know that I’ll be here as long as you let me.”

Bucky snickers. “I don’t own London.”

When he looks at Steve, he finds the guy trying not to laugh. The waiter comes and delivers both of their orders. Luckily, both of them eat in silence. That is until one of the strawberries on Bucky’s crepe falls down from his fork and literally runs all down his t-shirt, making a messy track of Nutella.

“Ugh. Fuck,” he whines, feeling disgusted. He scrambles to get some of the napkins but then Steve is handing him something.

“A handkerchief?” Bucky almost laughs in his face.

Steve shrugs. “Why not?”

“This is chocolate,” Bucky explains as if to a kid.

Steve shrugs. “It can be washed. Trust me. It saved me many times.”

Bucky looks from Steve to the handkerchief and back. “Thanks. It's okay.”

Steve looks embarrassed and puts it back in his pocket. Bucky couldn't help but blurt, “You rich people and your fancy lives.”

He regrets it but luckily Steve finds it funny for he laughs out loud.

Bucky eats another bite, eyes on Steve.

“Hardly,” Steve says, taking a sip of his coffee. “My ma gave it to me before she died.”

“Oh.” Bucky feels bad. Really, really bad. “And you wanted me to ruin it with chocolate? God...”

Steve waves him off. “It's been through so much. Don't worry. And in case you're wondering, you can wash the thing.”

Bucky catches himself smiling, so he clears his throat and quickly goes back to his crepe.

 

After they're done, Steve offers to pay but Bucky refuses vehemently. They split the bill and leave.

It's gotten chilly. So Bucky buttons up his jacket and doesn't know what to do now. They haven't talked about anything Henry really.

“Listen James.” Steve secures the scarf around his neck. “I want to ask you something that I hope you'd answer.”

Bucky feels his heart thud hard and maybe stop. This man’s questions will always scare him. He’s afraid of the kind of answers he would have to give.

“Shoot,” he answers before moving away from the entrance.

“Why don’t you lead the way first.”

“Uh...” Bucky thinks for a second before hailing a cab. “I'll take you to one of his own favorite spots.”

After getting into a cab, Bucky tells the driver their desired destination.

Once he relaxes and rests his back, Steve asks, “What made you change your mind?”

“That's what you've been meaning to ask?”

Steve nods. Bucky looks out the window, heart heavy. “What does it matter? Isn't this what you wanted?”

“Is it Miss Carter?”

Bucky snickers before turning to look his way. He realizes in that moment that they are sitting in close proximity from one another and that's when he decides to look ahead instead.

“It's not my fight,” he starts and then decides to be honest once and for all. “I realized that maybe...just maybe, you're feeling remorseful and...the sketch I found confirmed that.”

When he turns to look, he finds Steve smiling tensely. “You weren't supposed to see that.”

Bucky shrugs and comes close to tell him off but he just sighs and repeats inwardly. _It's not my fight._

“I was paying Henry a visit and didn't know what it was.” And because he was raised right, he adds, “Sorry.”

“Oh, it's alright. I don't mind.”

Bucky looks his way and Steve seems earnest and forgiving.

He can't wait for this to be over.

“Listen, I-uh-I just wanna say that this...I'm gonna do what I have to do and answer anything you want but...I don't want you to expect us to be friends-”

“James-”

“To me, this is just-I'm gonna do my best to do my part. But I can't promise to be friends. I can’t-”

“It's okay, James.”

Bucky nods but doesn't dare look at the guy. Instead, he directs his gaze toward the streets outside and counts the seconds for this cab ride to be over.

  


~.~.~.~

  


“There it is.”

“You're kidding me,” Steve exclaims, laughing lightly.

Bucky knows why and it's so in character of Henry. They're both standing right in front of the statue of Shakespeare in Leicester square.

“He would come here to vent and sometimes…” Bucky smiles. “He’d lash out at the guy.”

Steve walks toward the statue, careful and aware of the fountain water.

“Because he loved him and-”

“Hated him at the same time,” Steve finishes without turning toward Bucky.

Bucky nods and is jarred a bit at how there seems to be fondness in the guy’s face. Is he reminiscing? Is there a memory now running through his head way long before Bucky came into the picture?

Steve reads the inscribed quotation. “There is no darkness but ignorance.” He nods and looks back at Bucky. “Twelfth Night.”

“Uh huh.”

Then he walks around the statue, Bucky few steps behind.

“You know...he used to make fun of me through Shakespeare.”

Bucky frowns and realizes Steve isn’t looking his way. “How?”

Steve starts walking backward. “He’d quote Shakespeare at me and I was only eleven. I didn’t know him or understand his works. I would always ask him to teach me but he wouldn’t. Even though he was twelve at the time, he was a genius when it came to literature."

Bucky stops and so does Steve. He lets out a long sigh and Bucky is trying to understand how come he’s never heard this before. He's always been inquisitive about Henry's family but sadly, his late husband never discussed them.

He figured Henry would boast about this to him, but he didn't. And Bucky finds himself wanting to know.

“So what happened?” Bucky asks casually.

Steve gazes at the leaning figure of Shakespeare and shakes his head. “I went to tell John, my adoptive dad, about it and he lent me a collection of Shakespeare's works and I started cramming even though I had no idea what the words were saying.” He chuckles, turning to Bucky. “It was stupid.”

Bucky opens his mouth and closes it, trying to say something. He finally mutters, “I don’t think it was.”

Steve shrugs. “Yeah, well.”  

The sound of water in the fountain is a bit soothing, mixed with the noise of people getting around.

“Can we sit?” Steve asks him.

Bucky blinks twice. “Uh yeah. Sure.”

They find a vacant bench and sit down. Usually, it’s crowded but since it’s a week day, there aren’t many people milling around here. They sit there for five minutes before Steve asks him.

“How did you two meet?”

Bucky sighs. He knew that he’d have to tell that story even though maybe Steve already knows it. He must have heard it from Henry but wants Bucky’s version.

Bucky puts his hands inside his pockets. “It was back home. New York. I was working at Barnes and Noble when Henry barged inside, demanding them to publish his work.”

He snickers and Steve doesn’t say anything.

“He started making a scene and I volunteered to calm him down and dragged him to the Starbucks corner. I bought him hot green tea with mint and sat with him to tell him how publishing actually works.”

Bucky waits for Steve to say something but he doesn't and he's glad for that.

“Next day, he comes back and we were scared he’d cause another scene but…” his cheeks get warmer at the memory especially since he's narrating the story to Steve.

“He came to ask me on a date and tried to woo me with Shakespeare but he was so loud.” Bucky laughs and his eyes tear up. “I said yes just to shut him up.”

Bucky closes his eyes and takes deep breaths.

“That's beautiful,” Steve mutters next to him.

Bucky opens his eyes and turns to him. “It was wild. Two weeks later, he proposes and asks me to move to London with him.”

“And you accepted?” Steve asks.

Bucky snorts. “Well, we are in London, so…”

Steve chuckles softly, cheeks red. “Sorry. I meant, you accepted...just like that? That fast?”

Bucky nods. “When you fall in love, you’d do practically anything.”

“I'm glad he found you.”

Bucky tries to smile and fails. It feels like Steve is trying so hard to be on his good side, Bucky couldn't help but say, “Why would you say that? You don't know me.”

Steve shrugs with one shoulder. “You're here with me. And that speaks volumes of your character.”

Bucky feels his cheeks heat in spite of himself. He feels very uncomfortable. The fact that Steve Rogers is never fighting him or frowning his way at all is unnerving.

“Well, ah everything is sorta closed or will be soon. So maybe we continue tomorrow?” Bucky says, standing up.

Steve follows him and stands up too, looking around. People are still out and about but it is starting to get dark.

“Sure. No problem. Same time?”

Bucky scratches the back of his head. “Yeah. For now. I'll make a list of all the places ‘cause some of them closes way earlier… um I don't know. I'll let you know?”

“Okay, James,” Steve replies happily. And Bucky wonders where does he bring such happiness and vibe and enthusiasm.

Bucky points behind him. “Alright. I'll head back.”

Before he leaves, Steve stops him.

“You're gonna walk back?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you mind if...I walk you home?”

Bucky raises his brow. “I'm not a damsel in distress.”

Steve laughs, looking embarrassed. “Sorry. I meant to walk with you...I wanna know my way around. It's a beautiful city…”

_Dear God!_

“Fine. Sure. Let's go this way. I know a shortcut.”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

The walk back is nice. They don't talk except when Steve asks some questions about some places on their way back. Bucky thinks that he's totally doing it to avoid awkwardness.

When they're crossing one of the streets, Bucky feels Steve grab his elbow and pull him back.

“What?” Bucky flinches and frees his elbow quick. His heart is beating fast and he kind of wants to lash out at him for that alone.

“It's not green yet,” Steve says, pointing at the pedestrian signal.

“You're kidding?” Bucky huffs. “There are no cars around…”

Steve shrugs but his jaw is tense. “Still. Better safe than sorry.”

“Are you sure you're a New Yorker?” Bucky asks and steps back, deciding to wait with him. He’ll humor the guy.

When it's finally green, they cross the street. From the corner of his eye, Bucky can see how alert Steve is.

“What is it?” Bucky asks and can't help but sound annoyed. There were no cars around.

“Nothing,” Steve answers softly.

Bucky stops and he stops too when they're almost near the shop. “If you're uncomfortable walking-”

“No, it's just...I get anxious that's all.”

“From crossing streets?” Bucky knows he comes off inconsiderate but he's genuinely asking.

“Yeah…” and Steve walks which prompts Bucky to follow.

“Ma was killed in a hit and run,” Steve points out.

_Oh._

“She wanted to go home quick after her night shift. She was a nurse. That night she crossed the street and…”

_Oh my God._

“I'm...I’m so sorry.” Bucky stops and Steve does too.

Steve waves him off. “It was a long time ago.”

Then he motions to Bucky that they should continue walking now. And they do, but it’s not hurried now.

“How old were you?” Bucky asks in a soft voice. There’s nothing worse than a kid losing a parent. He, himself, had lost both parents when he was a baby.

He can relate.

“Ten.”

"I hope you weren't there."

"No, I was home."

Bucky nods and he can see the shop now. Part of him wants to finish this conversation.

“Is that when you got adopted or was it much later?”

Steve smiles. “It was immediate. John, Henry’s father, adored my ma. She was his father’s nurse. So...I don’t know. I guess he took it upon himself not to let me get transferred from one foster home to another. He thought the family owed my ma.”

“And his wife?”

“You mean Henry’s mother?”

Bucky nods, waiting impatiently because Henry never disclosed much about his family.

“She was so kind to me. She was the first British person I’ve met at that time. I was in awe.” Steve chuckles and turns to look at Bucky.

And maybe it’s the light or his tired brain, but he finds that smile, that face, very pure in its serenity and kindness.

Bucky stops abruptly and looks anywhere but Steve’s way. “Uh. We’re here.”

“You live upstairs from the shop? That’s nice.”

“No,” Bucky says. “I live near it.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry."

"For what?"

"I can't show you where...I just...it’s too soon,” Bucky doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know how to politely tell the guy that he doesn’t want him near their apartment.

“That’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

With his eyes still cast down, Bucky mutters, “See ya.”

They part ways.

Strangely, that night, Bucky is able to sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

 

 

 

The next day, Steve comes inside their bookshop carrying a paper cup tray.

“I brought coffee,” he says in greeting.

Bucky looks up from the books he’s sorting on the desk. He looks the same as always. Very proper and business-like. The suit is still black but the long coat is gray this time. 

“Oh, aren’t you a saint!” Peggy moves from behind the desk and reaches for the cup he’s handing her.

“Careful, it’s hot.” Steve smiles at how she proceeds to take huge gulps regardless.

“I’m not a proper lady...most of the times,” she comments after humming at the taste of the coffee.

Bucky shakes his head at her. When Steve hands him one, he declines. “Thanks but I had mine earlier.”

“Don’t be rude, James.” Peggy comes back and slaps his forearm.

“No, honestly. I’m good. Thanks.” And he gives Steve half a smile. The guy brought them coffee after all.

Steve nods and leaves the tray on the desk. “Do you want me to wait outside or…”

Before Bucky could say anything, Peggy gets a chair. “Here. Do sit down.”

Bucky gathers two more books to add to the pile in his arms. “I gotta put these in their proper places before we head out.”

Steve nods. “Take your time.”

“So, Steven. How many suits like these do you own?” Peggy asks, pen resting behind her ear.

Bucky leaves to get lost between the narrow aisles of books and all he hears is their murmurs.

_ Good. I don’t need to know. _

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

They leave before Peggy does.   


“I'm sorry but we gotta hurry.” Bucky secures the strap of his messenger bag across his chest. “They close around seven. Part of it already closed.” 

He's trying to hail a cab, but they're all busy. 

“My driver can get us there faster,” Steve says.

Bucky gnaws on his lip and he can feel Steve come up to stand next to him. He doesn’t really know how to resolve the emotions he’s feeling at that suggestion. He’s mostly nervous about it.

“He's right there.” Steve points out at the black car. 

When Bucky is still thinking about what to say, Steve adds, “Only if you're comfortable with that, otherwise, we can walk-”

Bucky still feels reluctant but agrees nonetheless. “Alright.” 

With just a wave, the car moves from where it’s parked and stops right where they are standing. Steve opens the door for him and Bucky is extra annoyed at that. But he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he just gets inside and slides against the pristine leather seats.

Seats that smell nice. Really nice.

“Where to Sir?” the chauffeur asks.

Steve looks his way and Bucky leans a bit toward the driver. “Covent Garden please.”

“Alright.”

All the ride there Bucky is trying to glue himself to the side of the car. His face never leaving the window.

 

 

~.~.~.~

  
Covent garden is luckily still busy.

But the place he has to show him-Henry’s favorite-is almost closing. 

“Oh no, some are packing up. Come on.”

He jogs his way there, hoping he can catch them or one of them at least. Once he's inside the Apple Market, he motions with his hand to Steve. 

“Here's the Apple Market. You can find…”

“Amazing. Like a street market.”

“Yeah. Kinda. You can pretty much find nice things in these stalls. Pretty interesting stuff and interesting vendors too.”

They walk between the stalls, drowned in the noise of the vendors and the tourists.

“Henry used to come here all the time. Even if he didn’t need any of these things.”

Steve walks by his side and Bucky stops when he sees some vintage book holders. He naturally gravitates toward them. As he inspects some, wondering which ones Peggy would allow him to use, he feels Steve stop next to him and lean to inspect another one.

“Don't tell me,” Steve starts, raising his voice a bit over the noise. “He used to fight the vendors here.”

Bucky, forgetting that he's talking to Steve, snickers and shakes his head. “Yeah. Oh man, the lengths he'd go to for bargaining.”

Steve chuckles. “I used to always apologize after he leaves a store.”

“Me too!” 

And Bucky turns to him, smiling wide that someone understood, but then his smile dies when he realizes who he’s talking to. Steve Rogers.

He looks away quick and moves from the book antiques. Steve walks behind him. It gets crowded and tourists are running around. Bucky dodges them left and right. When he looks back, he finds that Steve isn't behind him.

He looks around and curses under his breath before walking back. He stops when he finds him standing by a stall for military and war memorabilia. 

Before heading there, he observes him. 

Steve is running his fingers lightly on some of those beautiful antiques. There is a sad yet gentle smile on his face. 

Bucky walks slowly and he can’t help but ask, “Did you serve?”

Surprise colors Steve’s face before embarrassment takes over. He shakes his head. “No.”

_ Oh.  _

“I wanted to though,” Steve adds, picking up a small rusty metal compass. He inspects it before glancing toward Bucky. “But John didn’t want me to leave.”

Bucky nods before looking at the rest of the small stuff there. Henry never told him about that. Never said anything about any of this. About his father's dislike of the military. Or that someone was close enough to join the army. But it’s understandable, given how he never uttered anything about Steve except to curse the guy.    


Still...it makes Bucky frown. Hard. 

“What made you think so?”

“Huh?” He looks up to find Steve smiling curiously his way.

“That I was in the military.”

Bucky tries not to flush as he moves away from the stall they're at and heads to the next one displaying silverware. He makes sure he looks interested in one candle holder.

“Just, you know…”

“Did Henry tell you?” There's hopefulness in his voice.

Bucky shakes his head.

“Oh.”

There it is. Well. His brother hated him and Bucky is just being honest. They both pretend to not have heard the implication behind that. 

When Bucky looks his way, Steve is busying himself. With another compass. 

“Is it because I was looking at these?” He lifts up an old dagger and a pocket knife.

Bucky couldn't help but snort. “As if they use those in the army nowadays.”

“You'd be surprised.”

Bucky almost, almost laughs genuinely his way. He pulls himself together just in time. 

“It's this whole…” And Bucky waves his hand around at Steve’s body. “You’ve got this walk...it’s the way you carry yourself.”

Steve, honest to God, laughs and Bucky can’t help but smile at that laugh. It's a hearty one. Then he makes sure he looks away because he feels embarrassed.

“It’s all thanks to etiquette classes...that’s what she used to call them anyway.”

“Your mom?”

“No.” He sobers up. “Henry’s. Joan came from a … very high class family here in Britain...or what they used to be anyway.”

Someone ushers them away so they could pack up and Steve walks away, Bucky alongside him. 

“Anyway, she used to give us these classes for etiquette. In the early morning. And when it was school days, it would be late in the evening.”

“How old were you guys?”

“I was twelve. It was my second year living in that house. Henry didn’t make it easier,” he laughs.

“How so?”

“He used to make it his mission to make me laugh. Until one day, Joan grounded him.”

Bucky chuckles and Steve adds, “It was his way of getting out of them.”

“Even the way you walk?”

“Everything there is to know about what it takes to be a proper gentleman.”

Bucky nods, his eyes glancing at the way he’s walking and regarding people. He sure did his homework. He has noticed earlier when he was around Peggy and the way he carried himself. Henry didn’t show any of that. Totally the opposite. Probably his rebellious side dominating, he thinks.

“She died a year later.”

Bucky pauses and turns to him. There's sadness in Steve’s eyes as he looks past Bucky. “I made sure I wrote down everything she told me just so I can honor what she taught me. The hours she put for us.”

Even though the place is noisy and cheers are coming from the audience watching the street performers, Bucky can feel the heavy silence between them. It's a different kind of grief coming from Steve. Different than the one shown whenever he talks about his brother. 

Losing two moms in the span of two years must have been traumatic and depressing for a kid. Bucky can’t help but gaze at him as he continues to inspect other stalls. Maybe Henry had his own pain. But Steve sure did have his. Still does apparently.  


Bucky suddenly feels like he hasn’t been on his best behavior. He should definitely stop being snippy toward the guy. 

Part of him is hurt that he wasn’t privy to that little piece of information. How Henry never once talked about his mom or any classes for that matter. How come he never mentioned those shenanigans with Steve? And it sure doesn't look like he's making it up either. His sincerity is blatantly clear. It's on his face.  


Bucky clears his throat and touches Steve’s shoulder very lightly. “Come on. One more place today.” 

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

Half an hour later, Bucky is leading Steve through Hyde Park. 

“This is a huge park. How on earth does someone know their way around here?”

Bucky shrugs. “Same as Central Park.”

Steve chuckles. “True.”

“I mean this one is smaller but I get why you said that.”

Several tourists pass them by on their bicycles. They seem to be having the time of their lives, laughter in the air. The adults are having more fun than the kids.

“Did you guys go biking here?” Steve asks.

Bucky snickers. “Henry would rather swim in that lake than ride one of those.”

Steve smiles, pushing his hands in his pockets. Chilly wind hits them and Bucky hugs himself.

“We can do this another time,” Steve says, securing the scarf around his neck.

Bucky shakes his head, stepping away from some dirt.

“Stop saying that, will ya? I dragged you here, so I'm okay with it.”

Steve puts his hands up. “I promise I won’t say that again.”  

“You sure?” Bucky jokes, eyes glancing quick to his right. 

He laughs lightly. “Yes, I'm sure!”

They walk deeper into the park. All the greenery in the world is staring right back at them. 

Bucky sees it first because of course he does. He takes a deep breath. 

“Right there,” he points out at the bench. A sad smile makes its way to his face. “His favorite spot to read.”

He walks up and Steve follows. They both stare at the bench as if waiting for something to happen. As if Henry is going to appear out of thin air and stare back at them, asking them what the hell they’re doing in his private spot. 

And what they hell are they doing here...together.

He doesn’t move but Steve does. Bucky holds his breath as he anticipates him sitting down there. 

But he doesn’t. 

Steve just stares closely and touches the back of the bench. As if saying a silent prayer. Then he turns toward Bucky and smiles sadly. 

“Seems like a nice spot for reading.”

Bucky clears his throat, trying to brush the thought of betrayal away. “Yeah. It is.”

“Did you join him?” he asks, walking ahead and moving away from the area. 

Bucky follows, internally grateful that he didn’t choose to stay there longer.

“No. He likes to read alone,” he confesses.

Part of him regrets it immediately, confessing such a private detail. It used to always bother him that his late husband never wanted to be around him when reading. 

Even Peggy doesn’t know.

Steve stops abruptly and faces him. “What about you? Where do you like to read?”

Bucky almost answers him but then shakes his head, hands in pockets. He has said too much. 

“You don’t have to do this.”

Steve frowns. “Do what?”

Bucky motions between them, a bit irritated that he just admitted something personal to Steve Rogers. “This. It isn't about me. It doesn't matter.”

“It does matter.”

Bucky shakes his head, confused. “Why?”

“Sorry?”

He blurts the words before thinking about them. “I told you that at the end of all this, friendship isn't on my mind.”

Steve looks bewildered and then resigned. His eyes though. They have determination in them. So Bucky braces himself.

“At the end of the day, James...You are still family. You are my brother’s husband.”

Bucky is wracking his brain, trying to figure out what to say without being rude again when he notices something odd. Over Steve’s shoulder there's someone marching, heading towards them. 

A woman. Who has a short fiery red hair. Who seems to be angry. 

Maybe there's someone behind me, he thinks.

“Listen James, I didn't mean to offend you. It was an innocent question and I didn't mean-”

“STEVEN GRANT ROGERS!”

Bucky flinches at the loud voice coming from that lady. Another figure is running after her trying to stop her but to no avail. She's striding toward them. In full force.

Steve’s eyes widen and his mouth opens in shock before he whips around to face her.

“Nat?”

Bucky expects a slap on the face. Instead, she takes Steve by the lapels, and shoves him hard he staggers behind and Bucky moves a step back. 

Must be a scorned girlfriend, he thinks.

“Who the hell do you think you are?”

“Okay, Nat-”

“You can't go off the grid like that!”

And she shoves him again. Hard. And this time the guy behind her tries to pull her back. “Babe...calm down. You're making a scene!.”

Oh, so not a scorned girlfriend, Bucky thinks. 

“Nat, I can explain-”

“Tell me why I shouldn't punch you in the face? Huh Rogers!”

“You’re overreacting-”

“I had to resort to Tony for help and you  _ know  _ how much I hate asking for help.”

“Nat, please-”

“And you can guess how surprised I was when I found out that he knew where you were. Tony, Steve. Tony!”

“I can explain later-”

And it was only then that she notices Bucky. He tries not to look apprehensive of what’s going on. She pauses her assaults, although her hands are still holding on to Steve’s jacket.

After a long minute of studying Bucky, she looks back at Steve, brow raised but still angry. “If you wanted a rendezvous, you should’ve said so.”

Bucky flushes and goes to object, explain, but Steve is quick. Red in the face, he grips her shoulders and looks her in the face. 

“No, Nat. It’s not like that-”

“It seems like that to me-”

“This is James Barnes!” Steve almost shouts.

Both, the woman-Nat- and the other guy freeze and then turn to look at Bucky. This time, he’s more uncomfortable than apprehensive with the amount of calculating eyes looking his way.

“So,” Nat says, eyes narrowed. “You exist.”

Her comment throws Bucky off. Steve takes her by the arm and drags her away from them. Away from Bucky. 

They are now a few feet away. He can’t hear what they’re saying but it does look intense.

“Sooo…”

Bucky realizes that it’s the other guy-the boyfriend-who is actually trying to talk to him. 

“You're Henry’s husband?”

Bucky puts his guard up. 

“Yes,” he answers coldly.

“I know it's sorta…” and he waves his hand around. “Well, I just wanna say I'm sorry for your loss.”

Bucky is still cautious but nods anyway. “Thank you.”

He feels uneasy and is thinking he ought to bail since they were kinda ambushed. And Steve looks like he’s not going to survive that confrontation.

“She's really not that bad,” the guy says, scratching the back of his neck.

Bucky frowns and his eyes travel back to the woman. They both actually see that she's berating Steve who's casting his eyes down in resignation or shame. It’s hard to see his face.

The guy smiles tensely and then laughs but it's a nervous one. “It's just she worries, you know. She's like a mother hen toward him but more of a...an angry hen.”

Bucky’s frown deepens and can’t understand why the guy needs to explain. He waves his hand around. “It's really not my business. So you don't have to…”

“I'm Clint.” He extends his hand enthusiastically.

Bucky takes it wondering if the guy is high. “James.”

“I’m a musician.”

_ Okay, he wants to talk. _

“Oh.” Bucky thinks of something to say. “What instruments do you play?”

“Drums.”

“Cool.”

“I like it. And I'm a pro.”

Bucky purses his lips. “Good for you.”

It’s excruciating. The heavy awkwardness. Thankfully, Steve is heading back their way, Nat right by his side.

“I’m so sorry, James. Something came up…”

“I'll say,” Nat chimes in.

Steve looks flustered and a bit on edge. The total opposite of his usually composed demeanor. 

When he finally composes himself, he puts his hand around the back of his friend. 

“This is Nat, one of my best friends and my personal assistant.”

Bucky nods her way and doesn't dare pull his hand out of his pocket. He's afraid she's gonna break it with the way she's looking at him. Which he can’t understand.

“Nice to meet you,” he says instead.

“Same here.”

_ Doesn’t look like it. _

“We should go,” Clint says, hand going around Nat’s shoulders. “You caused a scene already. There are a lot of people giving us looks.”

“And?” Nat looks at him coldly, folding her arms over her chest.

Steve runs his hand through his hair. “I can't believe you brought Clint with you.”

“I didn't.” Turning to Steve, Nat adds, “You know how obsessive he is.”

Bucky didn’t see that coming. He looks at the poor guy who's reddening by the second. 

“I'm not! I’m _tagging_ along.”

Nat doesn't even wait. “He said that he's afraid I'd fall for the charm of the Brits.”

Bucky snorts and quickly pretends he didn't. But he fails because all three turn to him and only Steve is the one smiling at him in approval.

Clint ignores Bucky and turns to Steve, hands flailing. “It's that accent, man. You can't deny that it's a chick magnet.”

“I honestly am beginning to question my taste,” Nat says through gritted teeth.

“Okay,” Bucky interrupts softly, already motioning behind his back. “I’ll leave you guys to...I’ll just go and we can…”

“No, James wait.” Steve then turns to the two friends. “Give me a minute, guys.”

Nat looks Bucky up and down and then between the two. “We’ll be standing right over there. There's a lot we need to catch up to, Steve.”

Bucky can sense the distrust and suspicion coming from her in waves. He wishes he could tell her that they're the ones interfering.   


When they have walked away, out of ear shot, Steve turns and looks really apologetic. 

“I'm so sorry. I'm really appalled.”

Bucky shakes his head. “It's okay.”

“It's actually not and I'm gonna talk to them about it.” He inhales deeply. 

Bucky waves him off. “I'm not offended, if that's what you're thinking.”

“Still.”

“Can we continue this later?” Steve asks, hands out.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“Thank you.” Steve looks back at his friends and then back at Bucky. “I’ll see you in two days? Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah. It’s fine.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

And somehow Bucky feels weird because Steve isn’t leaving and his friends are watching them like hawks. 

He decides to turn around first. 

Even though he can’t see them, he can feel their eyes on him. On his back. Watching every move. And he doesn’t know how to feel about that. He just prays they don’t ambush his favorite spots ever again.

 

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine.
> 
> This chapter contains hurt/comfort.

 

 

 

“There's a trip coming up,” Peggy announces.

“Oh?” Bucky hands her another book, his other hand is on the ladder holding it for her as she stacks up the newly empty shelf. “Where to?”

“You and me. Bath. Our friend there has some old books he wants to donate.”

Bucky groans. “Why? He could just send them.”

Peggy smirks. “You know he has a crush on you.”

He rolls his eyes and tries not to shudder. “More like a creepy crush.”

Peggy’s not looking at him when she says, “He’s not that bad.”

“He always comes on to me and even flirted with me when Henry was with me. Like...the nerve. I almost punched him once, you know.”

“Not Henry?”

He frowns. “What?”

“I meant...Henry never punched him instead?”

Bucky raises his brow. “It's not like I need someone to defend my honor. We’re not in the Middle Ages.”

Peggy shrugs and takes another book from him.

“What's that?” He asks, eyes narrowing at her.

“What?”

“That shrug. I know you Peggy.”

“It's just… with Henry’s temper, I would've thought he'd raise hell.”

Bucky sighs. “It wasn't like that with us. He was never the jealous type.”

He goes to the front and turns on the record player. Putting on the Queen vinyl, he chooses ‘Under Pressure’. 

He closes his eyes and stretches his arms up and over his head. “Man...this song…”

“Come here, darling. Hand me the new Penguin editions.”

He sings along and dances his way to her. She chuckles.

“Look at you.” She smirks.

He wiggles his brows. “You know how much I love this one.”

When he hands her the books, she holds his hand instead. He frowns slightly and she looks at him tenderly.

“Maybe it's time that you open up to the idea of dating?”

Bucky feels cold all of a sudden. The euphoria he has felt from the song is dissipating. He tries to breathe easy and lets go of the books but Peggy still has his hand in hers. 

“You know I don’t want to date.”

“Ever?”

He purses his lips and eyes their hands. She lets go and he picks up the empty box and goes to put it in the storage room. He can't even entertain the idea of dating or moving on. He's not even sure he wants to. So, he inhales deeply once and twice before he goes back out. Peggy is already picking up the ladder and he goes to take it from her but she waves him away. 

He turns off the lights outside and checks some aisles before he finds Peggy behind the desk logging off. He comes to stand in front of the desk.  

“Listen, darling, I'm sorry that I brought it up.”

He doesn't say anything but looks at his own fingers playing with the bookmarks displayed near the computer screen. 

“It's just…” She sighs, elbows on the desk as she stares at him. “I know you. Very well. And I know why you're avoiding this...but it's been a year and so. It won’t hurt to go out there...you’re young and gorgeous-”

“Peggy, please-”

“And amazing. A great dancer too.”

He sighs and grabs his messenger bag from behind the desk. “Not interested.”

“At some point you will have to-”

“Not really.”

“What I’m really trying to say is...one day someone is going to be interested in you or you’ll be interested in someone and that’s okay. I just want you to know that.”

He finally looks her way before nodding his head toward the door, not really agreeing but trying to put an end to this subject. 

“Let’s go home.”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

The next day, he’s standing over the record player, watching the vinyl of Led Zeppelin spin.

“James...I need a hand,” Peggy says from behind the computer screen. 

“Okay...just give me a minute.”

“Dear God! You’re not going to play air guitar now, are you?”

He smirks and nods excitedly. Taking two steps back, he starts preparing himself as the guitar solo at the end of 'Stairway to Heaven' plays. 

“I love this part, Pegs.”

“I know.” She leans and puts her hand under her chin, waiting for him to be done.

As soon as it starts, she laughs and he smiles because he can literally play it. If he had a guitar, he would blow the roof off. Closing his eyes, he loses himself in the high of the guitar sound. It's such an addictive melody and his fingers play as if they were strumming real strings. He’s in the zone, in the moment, in the thrill of the sound itself that jerks back when Peggy calls his name loudly. 

“James!”

He shakes his head and sees that she's nodding her head toward the door behind him. He quickly drops hands as if they held a guitar. He pauses and turns around slowly. 

Steve Rogers is there and he has a surprised look on his face.

Bucky flushes and curses the guy inwardly. 

Steve clears his throat. “Can I comment on that or was I not supposed to see that?”

Bucky stares at him and then quickly answers, “You weren't supposed to see that.”

Steve nods, chuckling slightly, and Bucky is kinda pissed so he adds, “You're not allowed to laugh either.”

Steve raises his hands in surrender. 

“I wish I caught all of that on video,” Peggy admits.

Bucky runs his hand through his hair and is eager to change the subject and forget the fact that Steve Rogers stumbled on him doing something silly and playful. “So...what are you doing here? I thought we were supposed to meet tomorrow?”

The confidence and laughter leave the guy. All of a sudden, Steve looks shy and nervous. “Yeah, uh,” he scratches his temple. “I still feel bad about what my friends did…”

Bucky didn’t see that coming. He shrugs. “Don't worry about it-”

“No, please. They had no right and they kinda … just let me buy you lunch or coffee.”

Bucky shakes his head. “It's fine, really. We all have wild friends.” And he wants to joke so he points at Peggy.

Peggy widens her eyes. “That's preposterous!”

Steve smiles warmly toward her. “Miss Carter is far way more reasonable and proper to do what my friends did.”

“Thank you, Steve.” And she blows him a kiss and Bucky looks confused standing between them. 

“So what do you say?”

“I uh…”

“I think it's a great idea, right James?” Peggy gives him a look and he's trying to decipher it. 

“Oh, you're welcome to join us too?” Steve asks Peggy.

“No. I'm busy tomorrow.”

“All day?” Bucky asks.

She comes from behind the desk and grabs his arm while looking at Steve. “Do excuse us please.”

She drags him all the way to the back, to the staff room. Once they're inside, she shoves him lightly against the wall and jabs her finger in his chest. 

He tries to speak. “What the hell-”

“You will  _ not _ overthink this. You will  _ not _ over-analyze this. You will  _ not _ feel guilty about it. You will  _ go _ to that lunch and accept the nice gesture he's offering.”

Without waiting for his reply, she leaves after kissing his forehead. And Bucky is flabbergasted by what just happened. He fixes his shirt and rolls his sleeves and follows her out of the staff room and toward Steve.

“Okay…” Bucky tries to not sound like a reprimanded child. “But on two conditions.”

“Name them.”

“I pick the spot and we split the bill.”

Peggy is watching them and Bucky hopes he’ll agree because he cannot handle going anywhere this guy is used to. Which must be fancy and expensive.

“I accept the first condition but not the second one.”

“Then we are settled!” Peggy says loudly as she heads to pack some binders. 

Bucky tries to protest. “But I…” 

He sees her look instead and it’s one of determination and warning? 

He sighs. “Fine. Okay. Deal.”

“Great! I'll see you tomorrow.” And he leaves but as soon as he’s at the door, he turns. “Wait...uh should we meet up here or…”

“Here is fine. Around one in the afternoon is good for me. The place isn't far from here.”

Steve nods excitedly before his phone rings. The excitement vanishes when he checks it. He answers it as he leaves and Bucky doesn't hear what he says but with the way he’s answering it, he looks unhappy about it.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Bucky sees him as soon as he enters the store in the afternoon the next day. The place is busy and Bucky checks with Peggy. 

“Are you sure?”

“Don't worry. Just go.”

He takes his messenger bag and he's out the door, Steve tagging along. When he looks up, the sky is cloudy. There is a chance of rain. He wished in that moment that it were sunny since he is planning on taking Steve to Kensington gardens. 

“Ready?” He asks Steve.

“Lead the way.”

They both walk their way there and it’s only three blocks when they get inside the small and cozy Turkish restaurant.

The owner greets Bucky and hugs him. “Long time no see, huh Bucky. Welcome, welcome.”

“Thanks, Mehmet. Table for two?”

“Yes. Yes, of course. Come, come.”

He personally seats them and Bucky slings his bag on the back of the chair before taking off his jacket. Steve follows suit.

“Turkish...nice.” Steve looks around, clearly mesmerized by the architecture. “It’s beautiful. The art here I mean.”

“Wait until you try the food,” Bucky remarks after accepting the menu from the waiter. “You ever had Turkish food before?”

Steve shakes his head and Bucky gasps. After he catches himself, he clears his throat and opens the menu. “Prepare to fall in love.”

Steve chuckles his way before looking at his menu. “You gotta help me out here. I have no clue...”

“I’ll take care of it. You’re not vegan are you?”

“Nope.”

“Good.”

Bucky signals for the waiter and he orders them the best dishes he’s tried: Adana kebab, Manti, Shish kebab and stuffed eggplants. And he makes sure they get their signature bread. Lots of it.

“So is this one of his favorite spots?” Steve asks, starting to remove his cufflinks before rolling up his sleeves.  

Bucky doesn’t fail to notice the expensive looking cufflinks. Henry never wore something like that. 

He doesn’t look Steve’s way when he answers him. “No. It’s mine.”

“Oh.”

When Bucky looks his way, Steve has paused halfway with one sleeve rolled up and the other abandoned. 

He gives Bucky a warm look. “Thank you.”

Bucky waves him off. “Don’t. Don’t make a big deal out of it.”

“It’s a big deal to me.” Steve looks serious and Bucky wants the easiness that was just between them a minute ago to come back. The easiness where he forgot that this guy was Steve Rogers and pretended that he’s just getting a meal with an acquaintance in his favorite restaurant.

He tries to bring it back. “So...your friends. They’re something.” 

Steve face-palms and Bucky finds himself chuckling.

“Don’t get me started. I mean...they mean well...but they cross the line. A lot. And in the park that day, they definitely crossed a line.” 

“Did uh…” Bucky starts rearranging the cutlery on the table out of nervousness of the answer to his following question. “Did Henry know them too? Are they his friends I mean?”

“He never knew Clint. He knew Nat though. But they were never friends.”

Somehow Bucky is relieved to hear that. At least Henry didn't cut many people out of his life.

“Nat is one of my dearest friend,” Steve starts. “Met her in business school and now she’s my personal assistant. But she spends her time between the US and Russia. She's half Russian. Clint was in school before he dropped out. He was her boyfriend then. Still is, I mean.”

Bucky smiles, remembering the odd musician. “The drummer? He’s funny.”

Steve puts his elbows on the table, his fingers tapping the napkin dispenser lightly. “Oh man. The most awkward person I’ve ever met.” Then his face brightens. “Oh, he’s going to  _ die  _ when he realizes you play the guitar.”

Bucky feels embarrassed and casts his eyes down. “I don’t. I’m just...an ameture. It’s just a hobby.”

“And he’s obsessed with Led Zeppelin too.”

This time, Bucky face-palms. “Please don't tell him. I have a feeling he’ll ask me to start a band with him.”

Steve laughs. “Oh God. You read him right. He totally would.”

The waiter gets them water and their drinks. Steve takes huge gulps of his water before he asks, “So, do you really play guitar?”

“Used to.”

“Why did you stop?” Steve’s voice has gone gentle.

Bucky takes a sip of his water. “My guitar got stolen.”

Steve sits back. “What? How?”

“It's a long story and I’m trying to forget.” He laughs at himself and runs his hand through his short hair. “It breaks my heart when I remember. I loved that guitar.”

“When did it happen?”

“Two years ago.” He points at Steve in fake warning. “It still hurts. So don’t even start.”  

Steve looks at that dispenser again and seems to be contemplating. “How come you didn't buy a new one?”

Bucky shrugs. “Couldn’t afford it. And I mean...there are far more important things, like paying rent and bills and eating out cause I can't cook to save myself. But when I finally do, it’s still gonna be hard ‘cause I was too attached to the old one.”

“Henry never offered to...”

“He did. I refused. He barely made ends meet. Didn't wanna add to that.”

Steve looks at him like he grew two heads. 

Bucky knows for sure that there’s no one behind him. So he’s sure that this bewildered look is directed at him. 

So he frowns his way. “What?”

“I thought…” Steve looks past Bucky as if he were trying to solve a very difficult math equation. Then he shakes his head. “But he…”

Bucky is really worried right now but then in a second he realizes that this conversation is really going to venture into the financial area and he really doesn’t want that. Wasn't money one of the big reasons for the two brothers’ fall out? 

So he bluntly tells him. “Can we change the subject please?”

Steve purses his lips and for a second Bucky thinks he won't back down but he does. He shakes his head as if to clear it. “Yes, of course. Sorry.”

Luckily, the waiter brings the bread and Bucky is about to wax poetic since it's the best bread ever when Steve smiles. “Must’ve been nice though. Jamming together.”

Bucky frowns. “Together?”

Steve shrugs. “You and Henry. He on the piano and you on the guitar.”

It hits Bucky like a bucket of cold water. Henry and a piano? Even his imaginative mind can’t conjure up an image. He never knew that Henry played any instrument, let alone a piano. He feels like he needs to check. He's probably misheard. 

“Piano?” Bucky breathes.

“Well, yeah. He was a pro, trained even. He used to…” Steve pauses, dawning on him what Bucky is probably feeling since he's very sure it’s written on all over his face. “Wait...he didn’t tell you?”

Bucky shakes his head, afraid of speaking for the lump forming in his throat all of a sudden.

Steve leans over the table. “Listen, James. He probably quit or hasn’t played for a long time so he probably didn’t see the point of talking about it.”

Bucky is trying to rack his brain, going through the memories. Trying to sort out through them for a hint. Anything. But nothing comes up. Henry had never talked about a piano or lessons or even classical music.

Bucky frowns and then lets out a nervous breathy laugh. Looking at Steve, he can't help but wonder if he's determined to surprise Bucky every time. Is he spewing false information? Trying to clean up his image to Bucky? But why would he do it? There's nothing for him to gain. His brother is long gone and there's nothing to make up, especially to Bucky. 

Steve is now really trying to amend the situation and Bucky feels really sad, conflicted and pissed all at the same time.

“And Henry probably-”

“Yeah,” Bucky clears his throat. He takes huge gulps of water before saying, “You're right. It doesn't really matter now, does it.”

He's gritting his teeth and he only realizes that he's doing that when he feels a gentle touch on his wrist. He looks up and finds Steve looking very much his apologetic self. 

“Maybe it reminded him of home too much and he hated that. So he quit.”

This makes more sense. And Bucky clings to it.

He feels relieved. He knows that he's being selfish but he can't help but take comfort in the explanation Steve offered. 

Maybe that’s why. Steve is right. Maybe Henry stopped because he was taught to play piano.  _ Forced _ . He wasn't self-taught. 

“Yeah. Yeah.” And he pulls his hand away. 

Steve pulls his hand back and reaches for his glass of water but doesn't take a sip.

“You’re right.” Bucky reassures, more to himself than to Steve. “That’s the kind of thing he’d do.”

“Quitting?”

“No. Abandoning things.”

Steve has a somber look on his face as he gazes at Bucky. “And people.”

Bucky’s eyes stare his way and they hold eye contact for longer than usual. For the first time ever, there's no clarity on Steve’s face. It's very shrouded in mystery. 

They break eye contact when the waiter comes to bring their food. 

The rest of their lunch is comfortably quiet, intercepted by Steve complimenting the food. Bucky would nod and hum but doesn't say anything else. His mind is elsewhere. He can’t help but think: What other things Henry had omitted? What other details of his life he never thought he should share with Bucky?

He dismisses all thoughts when he sees Steve holding one piece of bread covered in cheese, examining it in a flourishing manner. Bucky can’t help but smile because he doesn't look like his usual self.

“This thing...” Steve takes a huge bite. After he swallows, he raises his brows in total wonder. “This thing is  _ heavenly _ .”

“Right?” Bucky chuckles as he too takes a piece for himself and gets to enjoy it.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

After Steve pays for the bill, Bucky hears it. Thunder and then the pounding of rain. 

“Shit, it’s raining.”

Steve looks toward the windows. “Oh. I’ll call my driver. He can get us.”

“No, it’s not that...hold on.” Bucky gets out his phone and calls Peggy. 

He tells her that they’ll definitely get held up. She tells him not to worry and not to come back for work. After a lot of her insisting, he gives in. 

He tells Steve that he’d like for them to continue their journey. 

“Okay. I should call us the car, right?” Steve asks, looking at the foggy windows now, a worried look on his face.

“Or we can wait for the rain to stop?” Bucky suggests. “It’s within walking distance. It’s really close.”

Steve looks conflicted and it confuses Bucky a bit.

“Unless you don't feel-”

“No, no,” Steve chuckles nervously. “It’s not that. But okay. Let’s wait.”

“You gotta try the Baklava. And the Turkish coffee...I mean, you just gotta,” Bucky says and then points at Steve. “It's on me this time.” He says, offering a polite smile. 

Steve offers him one too.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

The rain stops shortly after. They walk their way to Kensington gardens. Bucky has promised himself that he will go on and show Steve all of Henry’s favorite places even though he somehow felt a bit thrown off guard today that his husband withheld something from him. He had withheld a lot especially when it came to his family and he was upfront about it. But Bucky never thought Henry would hide something from his own husband even if he saw it trivial.

“Right this way,” Bucky prompts as they turn around and head toward  the Italian gardens .

“Wow. This is beautiful. The parks here are gorgeous.” Steve looks around, eyes wide in wonder.

“I know.” Bucky feels proud somehow and doesn't know why. He, for sure, knows it's ridiculous.

The ground is damp and everything seems to smell of rain and grass and flowers. There are some people milling around. Luckily, not that many. Only a couple here and there. Most of the benches are vacant. 

“He would come here only when he wanted to recite poetry. Usually, I’m the only audience.” Bucky laughs lightly. 

When he looks Steve’s way, he finds that there’s a sad look on his face. He’s standing there, gazing at the fountains, but Bucky has the distinct feeling that he’s not really looking at them. 

Bucky gives him five minutes of silence before he comes to stand next to him. 

“Let me show you-”

“God. It didn’t have to turn out like this.” Steve’s voice is wavering. He turns to Bucky and the latter feels his chest tighten. Steve's eyes are brimming with tears. 

No. It’s not supposed to be sad. 

“It didn’t,” Steve continues. “It really didn’t. If he’d...” He stops abruptly and clears his throat. Looking away, he sniffles and clears his throat. 

Bucky gives him a moment. Then after he-himself-takes deep breaths, and composes himself, he gears up to ask him...try to maybe talk. For the first time, Bucky feels like reaching out to him. 

He goes to ask him but Steve chuckles and crouches down, touching one flower. “I hope he didn’t pluck any of these.”

Bucky smiles and shuffles to look at which one he’s touching. “I wouldn't let him. He would threaten to do so from time to time but there was this one time-”

“Oh no.”

“He didn’t. But he plucked a petal and hid it in the book I was reading that day. He said...what better bookmark than a petal.”

Steve coughs and it sounds bad. “No one saw him I hope?”

Bucky shakes his head. “Most people who pass here are tourists who are too busy taking a selfie or a picture of those fountains.”

Steve coughs again and it seems this time it’s not going to stop.

“Hey,” Bucky comes up to him. “You okay?”

He nods and turns around, pulling his handkerchief. “I’m...I’m fine.” He coughs into it one more time.

“We can get you some water. There’s this…”

He notices that the guy is pale all of a sudden and he’s sweating. 

Bucky almost touches his shoulder. “Hey...”

“It’s okay.” Steve steps away from him. “Any other spots to see here?”

Bucky isn’t convinced and he feels that Steve is evading. But he nods nonetheless and walks them away from their current spot. 

“He used to love that place, right around the garden. He would circle it sometimes…there’s this tree that he carved...”

When he turns, he sees Steve looking inside his pockets, searching frantically. He’s coughing again. Hard this time.

“What’s wrong? You lost something?”

Steve shakes his head, hand going to his mouth as he coughs some more. 

“Hey,” Bucky approaches him, heart beating fast because he's starting to get the feeling this cough isn't normal. “What’s wrong?”

“We should...I...I need to leave this place. Now.”

And only at this moment that he hears it. The wheezing sound getting louder and louder. Steve stops coughing for a second and looks at Bucky. 

There's slight panic written on his face and Bucky is fully alarmed now.

“What’s...the shortest way outta here?” Steve asks in a hoarse voice. Then he tries to cover his mouth and nose.

Only then it clicks in Bucky’s mind. “Wait, are you allergic to-”

“I have asthma...I think this place...the pollen...and the rain... triggered it.”

Bucky loses his composure. “Jesus Christ! Why didn’t you say something?” He takes him by the arm and quickly walks them out the gardens and into the park.

“It’s...uh...I didn’t…” 

Bucky halts when Steve stops walking to cough some more. He notices how his lips are turning light blue. He’s dripping sweat. He starts taking off his jacket and opening his buttons. 

“Shit. Shit.” Bucky mutters under his breath. “Come on,” and he takes the jacket from him and circles his arm around his waist to help him.

He walks them as quickly as they can while cursing under his breath. “Fuck. These gardens are huge. Damn it, Steve!”

The guy chuckles before coughing again. 

“You think this is funny?” Bucky asks him, breath already labored because now Steve isn’t doing much of the walking. 

“It’s...the first...time you say...my name and...you’re...cursing me.” 

They find a bench and Steve heads there. Bucky tries to stop him. 

“Let’s get you to a hospital. And away from this place.”

Steve sits and the wheezing is louder and Bucky is trying not to freak out. He watches as Steve gets his phone out. 

Bucky runs his hands over his face before making up his mind.  

“I’m calling the ambulance.”

“No, James. Please. I'll call Nat. I’ll be fine.”

“Like hell you are.” Then he asks hurriedly, “Don't you have an inhaler?”

“I thought...I had it…on me.”

And then as Bucky gets his phone out to dial, Steve suddenly reaches for him. “I...can’t…it’s … bad.”

“Fuck.” 

And Bucky crouches and sits by his feet as he dials. When the ambulance responds, he quickly instructs them of their location and the information of the patient. All the while, his eyes are glued to Steve’s, which are now semi-hooded and tired looking. His lips are blue now and his whole face is paling by the second.

As soon as he hangs up, he tries haul him up, arms going under Steve’s armpits. “Come on. Up. I’m getting you outta here.”

Steve doesn’t reply. Only scary wheezing sounds are coming from him. Bucky is really scared now. 

“Can’t...exert myself...gotta sit.”

Bucky lets him sit back down and he studies his face. His lips are still blue. And then Steve starts touching his chest, as if trying to claw his way there. His eyes look up in panic and plea. 

Bucky tries not to panic, yet he can't help but say, “Jesus. Fuck. Okay. Okay.” 

And Bucky sits on the bench and steers Steve’s back toward him, letting them both lie back, with Steve between his legs. Bucky’s chest is connected to Steve’s back. He brings his arms around him and his hand is right on Steve’s chest. Which is rising and falling frantically.

Bucky leans and moves his head around a bit to talk in Steve’s ear. “Okay. Okay, Steve. Breathe with me. Breathe with me. In and out.”

Steve shakes his head, hands gripping Bucky’s desperately and Bucky closes his eyes and prays for the ambulance to get here right this second. 

“Come on, Steve. Work with me. In and out.”

Bucky started noticing people stopping, tourists and kids looking their way. 

One guy walks over. “Is he alright?”

Bucky answers without looking his way. “Asthma attack. Called the ambulance.”

“I’m calling them again,” the guy says, quickly getting to it.

Bucky is trying to ignore the murmurs and the gasps of people and focuses on breathing normally and calmly.

“Come on, Steve,” he says calmly to the guy. “Breathe with me. Follow my movement. In. Out.”

“Ca...can’t…”

“Yes, you can.”

The guy comes back to Bucky. “Paramedics are at the gates.” He hovers over them and Bucky closes his eyes. He doesn't have the time to engage with anyone.

“Come on. Please. Please,” he says to the back of Steve’s neck. 

Steve’s deathly grip on his arm is weakening and then his arm slides to his side. 

Bucky holds him tightly. “Not gonna let this happen again. Not on my watch. Not again. Not again.”

Even though his eyes are closed, he can hear the running feet. Paramedics shouting and people calling out. 

They’re here. Good, he thinks. He’s not alone. He’s not alone. Someone is here to help. 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

 

 

 

 

 

_ “Hey, you’re here!” Bucky closed the door to their apartment with his foot, hands full of bags and take-out food. _

_ “Peggy and I waited for you but you never showed up. I guess you were writing, huh?” He asked while putting the stuff on their small kitchen counter.  _

_ Henry was asleep face-down on their small messy bed which is visible from their kitchen corner. No walls. It was a small place but they both loved it.  _

_ Taking off his jacket, Bucky frowned. “How many times have I told you not to nap like that? At least take off yours shoes.” _

_ Henry didn’t even acknowledge him.  _

_ Bucky smiled, shaking his head as he went to take a shower.  _

_ It was only fifteen minutes later, and while he was drying his hair with his towel, he noticed that Henry hadn't moved. Not one bit.  _

_ Bucky paused there in their open bedroom and narrowed his eyes to check. He noticed that he hadn’t moved an inch. He’d always been a light sleeper.  _

_ Bucky walked toward the bed.  _

_ “Henry?” _

_ There was no answer.  _

_ Bucky sat on the bed and patted his leg. He saw that his pants were dirty. Mud all over. “Henry? Wake up.” _

_ Fear started consuming him. He stood up and moved him on his back and saw him looking very peaceful yet strangely pale.  _

_ Bucky huffed. “Don't play with me, babe. Come on. It's not funny.” _

_ Still no answer.  _

_ Bucky started to panic. “Hey. Hey, wake up. You’re scaring me. If this is one of your games…” _

_ There was no movement. Bucky couldn’t breathe. “Why won't you move? Come on!”  _

_ He slaps him lightly. Bucky's eyes were starting to well up. Then he scrambled to get an old cologne of his and brought it to his nose.  _

_ Nothing.  _

_ Bucky did what he didn't want to do. He put his ear against Henry’s strangely hard chest.  _

_ He couldn’t hear any.  _

_ He did it again but it was the same result. _

_ “Shit! Fuck!” _

_ He called the ambulance right then while performing CPR. He couldn’t hear them or recognize what he was telling them. All he could focus on was Henry’s closed eyes and hard chest and cool skin.  _

_ “Come on. Come on. Wake up! Wake up!” _

_ He gave him mouth-to-mouth and pounded his chest, crying as the realization hit him that this must be it.  _

_ “Please don’t go. Please don’t go. Why the hell are you leaving me?” _

_ He kept resuscitating him even when the paramedics came. They pulled him away and got to Henry.  _

_ He watched, horrified, as they put him on a stretcher, yelling medical terms left and right, oxygen mask on.  _

_ But Henry never woke up. _

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

“What the fuck happened?” A very angry raspy voice pulls him out of his troubled memories.

Bucky looks up and finds an angry Nat and her boyfriend running toward him. She looks as if she’d boil him alive.

He gets up from the very uncomfortable chair in the waiting area. “He’s stable now. Had an asthma attack.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

He flinches at her response.

“What did you do to him, huh?”

“Jesus Christ, Nat!” Clint huffs.

Bucky is shocked at the accusatory tone of her voice. This is on a whole new level.

“What’s your deal anyway?” She asks him right in his face. “Why are you in his life? All of a sudden? What’s your angle?” 

Bucky feels his blood boil now. He tries to be as calm as he can given where they are at the moment. 

“For your information," he starts. "He was the one who sought me out. And I didn’t know he had asthma. Had I known-”

“He hasn't had one in a long time!”

“It’s okay, Bucky. Wasn't your fault,” Clint says.

Nat whips her head around to stare at her boyfriend, who looks weirdly calm about the whole thing. 

“You and I will talk later,” she mutters to her boyfriend before she stomps her way to the nurses at the desk. 

Bucky tries not to shake at her insinuations and jolts back when he feels a hand landing on his shoulder. 

“Don't take it to heart. She's just very scared right now. It's been a long time since he had an attack like this. That puts him in a hospital.”

Bucky puts his hands in his pockets and shrinks away. “Way to make me feel better.”

“No, I'm just…” Clint sighs. “He's like her brother. And she's like the sister he never had.”

Bucky nods, failing to come up with anything. But then he says, “I'm sorry.”

Nat comes and tells Clint. “They said we can see him now.”

She's long gone when Clint turns around. “Come on.”

Bucky shakes his head. “It's okay. You go.”

Clint is about to say something but then just nods and leaves.

Bucky almost runs his way out the hospital doors.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

"How was your trip with Steve?” Peggy asks as soon as she opens her door for him. 

Bucky looks up tiredly and finds her looking so warm and cozy under her light blue shawl and suddenly, he remembers his mother. And how he misses her even though he never got to grow up under her wing. 

He clears his throat and comes inside when she motions for him to do so.

He tells her everything. 

“Don't take it to heart, darling,” Peggy says. “She’s probably beside herself. You said they were like siblings?” 

Bucky sighs and rests his back against the soft couch. “That's what her boyfriend told me. I think so.”

Peggy pats his hand. “Are you sleeping over?”

Bucky closes his eyes and shakes his head. He's been spoiled enough by his friend.

Yet, once he gets home, he looks at the bed and stares at it for seconds too long before he drags the blankets and sleeps on the floor.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

His head isn't in it as he guides one of the customers. She's looking for the best edition of Grimm’s fairytales. At any other day, he'd tell her about all the editions they have and the history behind them. But not today. 

He can't help but wonder what's going on with Steve. It's been two days. Was he discharged? Is he better now? Will he go back home now that he's had a brush with death?

Bucky shudders and shakes his head at the wild thoughts. His ringing cell phone makes him jolt in his place. He picks up as he walks back to stand behind the desk. 

“Yes?”

“James Barnes?”

Bucky quickly recognizes the raspy voice. “How did you get my number?”

There’s a sigh at the end of the line. “I’m not his personal assistant for nothing. I’m actually the best. It’s my job basically.”

Bucky feels annoyed. “What, that you invade people’s privacy?”

“If the situation needs to, yes.”

They both don’t say anything and then Bucky clears his throat. “What do you want?”

“He wants to see you.”

He holds his breath. “Oh.”

A customer waves goodbye his way and he waves back, plastering on a fake smile.

“James?”

“Is he doing better?” He asks quietly.

“He's being annoyingly stubborn, so I'd say yes.”

“I thought you didn't want me to be near him.”

“It doesn't matter what I want,” she says coolly.

Bucky nods then remembers he's on the phone. “Okay. What are the visitation hours?”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

The glass doors open up and the whooshing sound of it makes Bucky close his eyes. The sounds and smells of the hospital meet him. He tries to calm himself, and his hands hold on tight to the small gift in his hand.

He thought bringing flowers is out of the question. They’re the ones that landed the man there in the first place. So he went for the next best thing. A small book. He had told Peggy that Steve can spend his time reading since, according to Nat, he’s staying for one week in the hospital. 

He puts the gift inside his messenger bag and marches inside. 

When he reaches Steve’s room, he knocks and counts to five before entering. He casts his eyes down just in case.

“Hello?”

“Come on in,” Nat says. 

Bucky looks up and finds her standing right in the corner that apparently leads to another room. Her arms are folded across her chest. 

He’s in a luxurious private room. 

Of course he’d be.

_ Now is not the time to judge _ . 

Bucky walks to the main room. When his eyes land on the patient, he pauses a bit. 

He looks totally the opposite of what Bucky’s used to in those past few days he got to see him. 

Steve looks sick. Dark circles under his eyes. Hair disheveled. Lips still not back to their normal color. Skin pale. And posture is not that of the walking gentleman.

And Bucky feels immense guilt engulf him. It’s his fault. He shouldn’t have taken him there.  


“James! You’re here,” Steve says in a hoarse voice. 

Bucky smiles and waves before making his way to the bed. “She said you wanted to see me.”

And he cringes at how that sounded. It’s like he’s forced to be here, which isn’t the case at all. He really wanted to see him. And it surprises him a bit in that moment. So he tries to amend the situation with, “Uh...you look good.”

Steve rolls his eyes and chuckles. It turns into a cough and Nat quickly springs up. “Put the mask back on, Steve.”

Steve shakes his head but she doesn’t even acknowledge that. Taking the oxygen mask, she puts it on his face. “Just for few seconds then you can worry about how you look later.”

Bucky feels really awkward. He smiles kindly Steve’s way to show him that it’s fine. He sits when he finds a chair. The sound of Steve inhaling loudly freaks him out a little. 

He’s not okay. He’s not better. 

“I can come another time?” Bucky asks quietly.

Steve shakes his head and motions with his hand for him to sit down. Bucky sits, and watches as Steve settles again, breathing stabilized. His friend is standing by the bed. She's watching Bucky like a hawk, eyes hard and posture defensive, ready to fight.

Bucky looks away and Steve finally takes off the mask. 

“Nat...you mind leaving us for a bit?” Steve asks weakly.

She nods even though her demeanor shows otherwise. After patting Steve’s leg, she heads for the door. “I’ll go get some coffee.”

Once the door clicks shut after her, Bucky can’t handle the quiet place with only the sound of the monitor beeping. 

“So, how are you feeling?” he asks carefully.

Steve shrugs. “Good. I’m not dead.” And he huffs out a laugh.

Bucky doesn’t find it funny and he frowns but doesn’t say anything back. 

“I’m sorry about Nat.” Steve clears his throat. “Clint told me about what she said to you.”

Bucky shakes his head and gives an understanding smile. “It’s okay.”

Steve shakes his head. “It’s not right. It wasn’t your fault.”

Bucky shrugs and sits back. “It kinda was. I shouldn’t have taken you there.”

“The fault was all mine. I should’ve told you or at least had my inhaler with me…”

Bucky doesn’t say anything to that and instead chooses to change the subject. “Here. I got you this so you don’t get bored here.”

There’s a very genuine surprised look on Steve’s face. “You...you shouldn’t have.”

Bucky looks away and gets it from inside his messenger bag and hands it to Steve. The latter takes it carefully as if it’s a precious little thing. Then he laughs heartily which causes him to cough and cough and cough.

Bucky quickly gets up and reaches for the discarded mask. “Put this on…”

Steve doesn’t argue and takes it, his hand covering Bucky’s in the process. 

Bucky withdraws gently. 

Few seconds pass before Steve lowers the mask a bit. “You’re hilarious.”

Bucky smiles. “Not at all. I’m being genuine. Shakespeare's sonnets. And you’ve always wanted to learn more about the guy, so…” he waves his way.

Steve nods, looking at the gift. It's a small book and it looks tiny in his hands. Bucky watches him read the inscription. He just wrote ‘feel better’ but it feels embarrassing and he looks down at his own hands.

“Listen,” Steve starts.

Bucky looks up, waiting. Steve leaves the small book in his lap. “I wanna ask you something, James.”

Bucky braces himself because he honestly doesn't know what's coming his way. He gulps and says, “Sure.”

“I heard you…” Steve inhales one more time from the mask before taking it off completely. He closes his eyes a bit for few seconds before continuing. “When you thought I was barely conscious...you kept saying...not again and not on my watch...”

Bucky’s heart probably stops beating. He feels blood rushing to his ears. And he feels his limbs go numb.

“James...you were there, weren't you? When he passed away…”

The ringing sound in his ears goes away after few seconds of stillness. Then he nods, clears his throat and says, “Listen, I don’t think now is the right time…”

“Now is the best time,” Steve counters in a determined voice. “So I need you to tell me...were you there? Did he…”

“Steve…” Bucky sighs then rubs his forehead in frustration. “I’m not saying I won’t tell you. I will. It’s just I don’t wanna say it here. Right now.” Then he looks at Steve and sees his teary blue eyes. His voices softens. “Let’s wait until you get better-”

“Please James.”

Bucky gnaws on his lower lip, hands gripping his knees. “Honestly, I'm gonna tell you-”

“I need to hear it.” Then Steve’s voice breaks. “Please. Right now.”

Bucky resigns and sits back. He looks at the state of the guy and deep down he believes it really isn’t the time or place but the man is determined and desperate at the same time. And Bucky is not going to deny him that. 

He doesn’t look his way throughout telling him the story. The way Henry passed away. That fateful day. Instead, Bucky keeps looking down at his sneakers while narrating the incident. He doesn’t know what he’ll see on the guy’s face, so it’s safer to look down or at his hands. Anywhere but at the guy. 

Once he’s finished, he realizes that he’s been holding his breath all along. That his chest feels tight. That his throat is hurting. 

He waits for few seconds, contemplating looking up when he hears Steve clearing his throat. 

“Just like Joan,” Steve says softly.

Bucky looks his way and finds him staring off, probably living a moment in the past. 

Steve rubs his eyes. “Henry’s mom. It runs in the family. The heart condition.”

Bucky doesn't nod because he didn't know that. Didn't know it was in the family, that Henry’s mother died the same way. His late husband never bothered to tell him how she died. To say anything of the sort. 

Bucky feels disoriented for a second. 

“I was there when it happened,” Steve mutters. “She told me she wanted to rest for a bit before our regular classes. The ones about etiquette.” He chuckles softly.

Bucky feels there's a lump in his throat. His eyes are starting to tear up. He can tell where this is going. And he can’t imagine what it must have been like for a kid to witness that. 

Witness loss. 

Steve is sharing something very personal and something that Bucky had wondered about but Henry never shared. 

Steve is being generous and Bucky doesn't know how to process this. 

Steve smiles Bucky's way even though a tear is falling down his face. 

“I was literally there. Right across the sofa, reading the book she gave me and waiting for her to wake up. I didn't realize that she has died peacefully mere feet away from me.”

Bucky doesn't even think about it. He reaches for Steve’s hand and holds it for seconds before realizing what he’s done. He goes to pull away but Steve holds on to it, grasping his palm strongly.

“It's not your fault,” Steve says in a determined yet broken voice. “You didn't know. Just like I didn't know.”

“It’s…” Bucky brushes a treacherous tear that away with his free hand. “It’s hard to get there. To that place, you know.”

“You will. I promise you.”

Steve smiles kindly his way and Bucky brings his other hand and pats their joined ones.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

_ Bucky was cleaning up their shelves when something fell from between the books. He picked it up. _

_ It was a photograph of a very stunning woman.  _

_ He barely had the time to study it when it was snatched from his hands. _

_ “Don’t.” _

_ Bucky turned and found Henry looking scared. So he asked. “Who's she?” _

_ “My mum,” Henry said, rubbing the edge of the old photo.  _

_ Bucky felt for him. He knew that he had lost her when he was a kid. Just like him. He lost his own mother when he was little.  _

_ “She's gorgeous.” _

_ “Yeah.” And he put the picture back inside one of his journals. _

_ “Tell me more.” _

_ “Don't, love.” _

_ He had always avoided talking about her. And Bucky couldn't help it this time and asked softly, “Why not?” _

_ Henry shook his head and wiped the unshed tears. "Not today.” _

_ Bucky nodded and watched as Henry picked up another cigarette and cursed when he couldn't light it the first couple of tries.   _

_ Bucky knew in that moment that it will always be a touchy subject for him. _

_ He walked toward him and hugged him.  _

_ Henry hugged him back. Tightly. _

_ They never had another chance to talk about it.  _

_ And Bucky will never know what that other side of the story was.  _

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor character death scene.


	10. Chapter 10

 

 

 

“Are you seriously not coming with me?” Peggy asks, a deep frown forming on her face.

Bucky avoids that look. He stacks some books the customers misplaced back to their right place. “Someone has to be at the shop. You go, you're a big girl-Ow!”

She has slapped him on the side of his head. He pouts as he rubs that spot.

“In case you forgot,” he says, still wincing. “We have a business to run.”

“We close at six and now it’s almost seven. You’re just trying to get out of this.”

Bucky doesn’t look at her and walks back to the desk and googles something random because he doesn’t know what to do. How to escape her eyes. Her question of joining her to visit Steve in the hospital. Because he doesn't know how to feel or act about Steve Rogers anymore. He doesn't know how to navigate around the topic of him or around him for that matter nowadays, especially after almost killing the guy.

“Peggy...please.”

It must appear on his face, his inner turmoil, for hers softens and she pats his cheek once. “I'll see you later.”

He lets out a deep breath once she's out of the door and can't help but drop his head on the desk and groan loudly in the quiet shop.

 

~.~.~.~

 

A week goes by and Bucky and Peggy are in the midst of organizing an event. They’re having a book signing for a self-published author. They like to help them by giving them some sort of a platform.

A lot of people are coming and lining up for this particular author. This one has a pretty amazing following online, so it’s no wonder so many people has showed up.

Bucky is running around, checking with said author and making sure that everything is going according to plan.

“You good?” Bucky asks, patting the guy’s shoulder.

The guy’s fidgeting. “Yeah-yeah…”

“Breathe, it's gonna be fun and you won't even notice how long the lines are.”

The guy’s eyes bug out and Bucky chuckles.

“Thanks a lot, James.”

“It's gonna be cool. Don't worry.”

Bucky leaves him as soon as the first two customers head to his table. Bucky smiles, happy for him.

He looks outside to the see how long the line really is when he spots Steve Rogers standing there. Out on the street. Bucky pauses for a second as relief washes over him at seeing him finally back to normal. Back to being up and about. But he wonders why the hell the guy is here after such a short time of recovering.

Without thinking, Bucky navigates his way between the customers and leaves the shop, heading directly toward Steve.

“What are you doing here?” He asks bewildered.

Steve looks up from his phone. “Oh, I just thought…”

Bucky notices how embarrassed he looks and that wasn't his intention at all.

“I meant that it’s fucking freezing out here, come on in.”

Steve waves his hand around. “I think you guys are packed today, maybe-”

“Come here.” Bucky grabs his arm and guides him inside.

As soon as they're inside, Bucky takes him all the way to the staff room in the back. He only lets go when he closes the door behind them. He motions for Steve to sit down and thankfully he does.

“I can't believe you. I swear to God. You wanna go back to the hospital?”

Steve looks stumped. “Um…”

Bucky folds his arms over his chest and stands over his shoulder, still feeling pissed. Nonetheless, he asks, “You feeling okay?”

“Yes, I'm fine. Honest.”

Bucky narrows his eyes at him. “I don't want to end up taking you back to the hospital. When were you discharged?”

“Two days ago.”

“What were you doing outside? Why didn't you come in?”

Steve shrugs and takes off his long scarf to put on the small wooden table. Bucky can't help but notice how expensive it looks compared to that table itself.

“I don't know. I saw the crowd and…thought you guys must be busy...” he shrugs again, looking conflicted.

Bucky purses his lips and then rubs his face. “Well, next time just come in. You don't need to be so dramatic about it.”

He cracks a smile to show Steve that he's teasing.

Steve laughs out loud. It takes seconds before the coughs begin. And it's pretty bad. Bucky leans over and reaches for his back, patting him.

“You need to rest.”

Steve shakes his head, still coughing. Bucky can literally hear the wheezing sound. He grabs a chair and sits next to him, waiting.

Getting his inhaler out of his pocket, Steve puffs twice. It calms him immediately.

Bucky feels relieved, and rubs his face. “Jesus...you really need to rest more.”

“I wanna finish...what...we started.”

“No way. I'm not going anywhere with you until you're fully recovered.”

“I'm really fine, James.”

Bucky gnaws on his lips as he takes in his state. Eyes with dark circles around them, sunken cheeks, and pale face.

“I..." Steve mutters. "I'm just sick of my hotel room.”

Bucky understands. Sort of. “I thought your friends kept you entertained.”

“They went back home.” And then he smirks up at Bucky. “I kinda sent them away because they were...stifling me, you know?”

“I get it.”

Steve looks embarrassed and casts his eyes down.

Bucky finds himself saying, “Sometimes friends don’t know when to step back...give a room. It happens. And it’s okay to say so.”

Steve looks back at him, face relaxed.

“How about some coffee?” Bucky offers with a smile.

Steve smiles back. “I’d like that.”

Bucky gets up and pours him some before excusing himself to get back out there. He goes and finds Peggy with a customer.

After she rings their purchases, he goes and fills her in on Steve.

“That's sweet of you, James.”

He rolls his eyes. “It's common sense Peggy. I'm not gonna let the guy freeze out there. I almost killed him once, not gonna do it again.”

She goes to say something but her eyes widen a bit before smiling at something behind him. Bucky frowns and turns around.

He finds Steve walking toward them, a sheepish look on his face. He's discarded his coat and jacket. He has his sleeves rolled up and looks so different.

Steve motions to himself. “Didn't wanna stick out like a sore thumb.”

_So he knows he's wealth personified._

Peggy smirks his way. “Oh, darling. You will always be noticed. I mean…” and she literally walks toward him, reaches with her hand and touches his chest. “Oh my...”

Bucky almost loses it and quickly gives her a horrified look. Steve on the other hand, thankfully, isn't offended and laughs it off. “I also thought I'd help.”

Peggy smiles. “We could use extra hands-”

“Excuse us,” Bucky says, almost yelling it out loud and takes Peggy by the shoulders, leading her all the way to the staff room.

Once they're inside, she giggles when she sees his face. “You really are funny, James.”

“Me?” He feels like he wants to scream so loud in the small room. “I’m not the one _lusting_ blatantly after my brother-in-law.”

Peggy raises her brow. “Your brother-in-law?.”

Bucky doesn't like the look she's giving him and he rubs his face before flailing around. “You can’t lust after Steve Rogers!”

“First of all, I’m not lusting after him. Any sane and normal woman _and_ man would want to immediately reach out and touch those pecs. It’s a fact. Second of all-”

His eyes are about to pop out of his head at what she’s saying.

“Do you honestly hear yourself?” He asks in shock.

She rolls her eyes, ignoring him. “Second of all, since when do you call him brother-in-law?”

Bucky feels his cheeks flush in embarrassment. He didn't even think about it when he said it. “It’s...it's who he is.”

“So he went from Steve-fucking-rogers to brother-in-law?”

He avoids answering her because he doesn't even know how to process that remark. _Why does she have to analyze everything?!_

So instead, he points at her. “If he gets sick, it’s gonna be your fault and you’re taking him to the hospital this time.”

And he storms out of the staff room, heading toward the front desk, only to stop in his tracks when he sees Steve offering to carry the books for some lady. This lady is giggling and fluttering her eyelashes at Steve as he takes the books from her. He leads her to the desk.

Bucky wants to roll his eyes so hard because said lady is totally capable of carrying three books!

Even though what Steve is doing is gentlemanly but it's also stupid.

“Ready to check out?” Bucky asks cheerily, showing up behind the desk and taking the books from Steve, giving him a warning look along the way.

Steve steps back and walks to stand behind the desk next to Bucky.

Bucky sorts her out and he notices that she hasn't taken her eyes off Steve from the start. She even dropped her credit card when she wanted to hand it over.

Once the lady leaves, Bucky turns to him. “No more of that.”

Steve looks at him confused then horrified. “I’m so sorry. Didn’t mean to step on your toes...she just needed help…”

Bucky has seen the said lady. She looked completely fine. And very much able to carry three books unhurt. All of a sudden, Peggy’s words come back to ring in his head.

His eyes observe Steve since he’s standing close to him. He looks very approachable with his light blue shirt and open collar and rolled up sleeves. He also looks endearing in a way with his slightly ruffled golden hair that’s almost shining at the moment with the sunlight coming from the window behind him. Up close, Bucky can’t deny that he’s very well-built. No wonder Peggy touched that hard chest...

He huffs. Just because he’s good looking, it doesn’t mean you take advantage of the guy. That lady is ridiculous and so is Peggy.

“I've seen her, Steve,” Bucky says, leaning on the desk with his elbow. “She really didn't need help.”

Steve frowns. “Then why would she ask me to carry them for her?”

Bucky flushes and turns around, pretending to check their database. There's not a chance in hell he's going to explain _that_ to him. Or tell him what Peggy had told him. Who apparently was right in her assessment.

“Listen, James. I wanna help or maybe watch how you guys work…”

One of their loyal customers waves at them and Bucky smiles brightly and waves back before turning to Steve. “Why would you wanna do that? Help? I told you we’re okay.”

“I…” Steve shrugs, a lost look on his face.

He looks like a very sad golden retriever and it makes Bucky deflate. “Fine. But nothing that requires a herculean effort. You're not carrying boxes or books or moving stuff.”

Steve crosses his fingers.

Bucky gnaws on his lip, voice going softer. “I just...really think you should take it easy.”

Steve looks down before looking back up, an understanding smile on his face. “Okay.”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

It turns out Steve was a big help.

He’s helped putting back books in their places, and would guide some customers to the genres they're looking for. He would bag the purchases too and work with Bucky.

Whenever there's a window of a break for them, he would ask questions about some books that Bucky is impressed he knows about. At one point, he tells Bucky about the times his adoptive father would send him to the library in their own house and make Steve read a book and write a report about it then show it to him every week.

“That’s really impressive. I like his strategy,” Bucky says as he picks some books and places them on the right shelf.

Steve is standing next to him, picking up some books from the box sitting on the floor to hand over to Bucky. “Yeah. I kept doing it even when I started going to college and then later on during working with him. Up until recently, I would go into that library at home thinking about the next book I should choose…forgetting that he won’t be there to read my thoughts on it.”

Bucky pauses and glances his way. There’s this melancholic look on his face. It's sudden and makes Bucky still for a second.

“I’m sure,” Bucky starts and notices how Steve is brought back to the present, obviously was lost in memories. “He’s very proud. That you would still do that…”

Steve shrugs and gives Bucky the rest of the stack then quickly puts his hands in his pockets.

Bucky looks at him and wonders how exactly did Steve Rogers fare in that house. And then he remembers Henry’s words about how his father favored Steve more than anything. He frowns at the conflicting sentiments and shakes his head.

Peggy shows up and Bucky is relieved. He doesn’t want to investigate that. Part of him thinks that it would be futile.

“Need help at the front, darling.”

They both head back, following her.

 

~.~.~.~

 

The rest of the day goes in a blur.

Bucky is running from the main desk to the depth of the shop to help customers. Steve spends most of his time with Peggy at the desk, helping her, and Bucky would keep an eye on him from time to time. He never once used his inhaler but Bucky is still cautious.

When it’s almost closing time, Bucky catches Steve looking through the Art section. He’s standing there facing those shelves, hands in pockets. He’s not reading any of the books. Just looking, staring. Bucky notices that there’s a longing there on Steve's face.

Bucky goes to ask him but startles when Peggy closes the door and flips the sign to ‘Closed’.

He quickly retreats and pretends that he wasn’t spying on the guy. He clears his throat and goes to the front through the other narrow aisle. “Yup. We gotta do the book signings more often.”

Steve comes and stands between them, rolling down his sleeves. Peggy immediately turns to him and gives him a hug.

Bucky raises his eyebrows in surprise all the way from behind the desk.

“Thank you, Steve. You were a big help.” Peggy smiles up at him.

Steve chuckles nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Well, you attracted more customers that’s for sure.” Peggy winks his way.

Steve turns red. "I don't think..."

Bucky folds his arms across his chest and narrows his eyes at her. “Stop objectifying the guy.”

She raises her hands in surrender. “I’m only telling the truth. I heard some talk too.”

Bucky face-palms. “Please ignore her, Steve.”

Peggy huffs, hands on her hips. “That’s certainly not how you treat a lady, James. I thought I taught you better.”

Steve chuckles and puts his hands up. “How about I treat you guys to some food? My turn?”

Bucky shakes his head. “No, Steve. You don’t have-”

“That would be lovely,” Peggy says, beaming.

Bucky is already forming a plan on how to save Steve from Peggy.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Steve ends up inviting them to a very cozy place that Bucky is relieved is not the hotel. He can’t handle fancy. He doesn't know how and doesn’t want to.

After they have a very nice meal, Peggy leaves early and Bucky stick around some more.

They don’t talk about anything specific, but Steve does ask more about the shop and Bucky doesn’t hold back.

He’s generous with him this time.

 

~.~.~.~

 

The next three days go the same.

Steve comes and joins them, helping around.

If it weren’t so busy those days, Bucky would have declined but they really needed extra hands. And he’s good with the business side of things. Ringing people fast and effortlessly to the point Peggy left him to handle that on his own.

Bucky would handle the customers and their inquiries and then join him up front. It goes easy and smooth and Bucky almost forgets that he doesn't actually work there.

Bucky has just closed the shop and turned to clean up when Peggy drops a bomb on him.

“I can't go with you to Bath.”

Bucky’s shoulders drop. “Come on, Pegs. Don't do this.”

She produces the tickets. “Look. I even bought train tickets. I swear I was going to go but something came up.”

Bucky puts his hands on his hips and narrows his eyes at her. “What something?”

She raises her brow. “If you’re implying that I’m lying-”

“I said no such thing-”

“As much as I’d like to let you in on it, I can’t, James. At least not now. If all goes well, I’ll let you know. But now, you’ve got to go there and get those editions.”

Steve comes back from the staff room, putting on his jacket. Bucky’s eyes glance at him and finds him frowning their way.

“Is something wrong?” Steve asks.

Bucky shakes his head as he flips the sign to ‘Closed’. “Nope. It's nothing, Steve.”

“You know what?” Peggy says and Bucky senses the mirth in her voice before he even turns her way. “You can take Steve. I'm sure he'd love to see Bath.”

Bucky almost trips when he turns around, looking upset already. “What?”

“What's going on?” Steve asks, genuinely confused.

Bucky waves his hands around. “Nothing. Nothing is going on.”

Peggy pretends that Bucky didn’t utter a word and proceeds to elaborate.

“We were going to go to Bath for a day-hours actually-to get some valuable book editions that have been generously donated by a friend of ours-”

“Not a friend of mine,” Bucky interrupts because he feels he should add that piece of information.

Peggy smiles and turns to Steve, walking up to him. And when she’s very close to him, she opens his jacket and Bucky’s eyes almost fall out of his head for the hundredth time this week. Steve blushes, not knowing what she’s intending to do.

“Here." She puts the two tickets and tucks them in the inside pocket of his jacket. “These are the tickets. You’ll enjoy Bath.”

“Peggy, you don’t even know if he wants to go or not?” Bucky says in a final attempt to stop this trip from happening with the additional company of Steve Rogers.

Steve chuckles nervously. “I still don’t know what’s going on…”

Bucky feels bad for him. “Listen, Steve is still recovering and I’m not gonna expose him to more asthma triggers.”

Steve puts his hands up. “I swear I’m fine.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Okay, buddy. Whatever you say. You’ve only been out for few days.”

“It’s been a week,” Steve says to Peggy as if that’s more convincing.

“It's done, James. You're leaving tomorrow and whether Steve joins you or not is up to him.”

Steve puts his hands in his pockets, looking at Peggy. “I’d really like to join him.”

Bucky waves his hands around. “I'm literally standing right here, Rogers.”

Peggy and Steve laugh and Bucky tries not to stomp his way to the staff room.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

  
Steve walks him home that night.

Bucky is still not happy with Peggy pulling the rug right from under him. The whole trip to Bath was already weighing in on him and now that she isn’t going to join him, the idea of dealing with _that_ guy alone is going to be a nuisance.

He shivers and he’s not exactly sure it’s from the weather.

“Here,” Steve says handing him his own scarf.

Bucky is surprised and touched by the gesture. He shakes his head, looking away. “No, I’m fine. Thanks.”

Once he reaches his building, they both stop. Bucky shoves his hands inside his pockets.

“Listen, James..."

Bucky looks up, waiting.

Steve scratches his temple. "I know...I know you don't like my company..."

That startles Bucky. "What?"

"I know that. I understand," Steve explains with a faint hint of a smile. "But I wanna go to Bath. Peggy told me Henry loved it there. Said it inspired him. And I'm kinda getting overwhelmed with London at the moment. And I heard it's...more rural?”

Bucky closes his eyes for a second and lets out a long breath. "It's not that, Steve...You got it all wrong."

"Then what is it?" Steve asks, taking a step closer.

“I..." Bucky runs his hand through his short hair. "You said it yourself. It's more rural, more like the country side. I...just don't want you to trigger your asthma, especially after the last episode..."

Steve smiles and pats his pocket. “Got my inhaler with me. And when we go, I’ll take two of them just in case.”

Bucky chuckles in spite of it and Steve joins him.

After they got quiet, Bucky confesses, "Bath was on the list...Honest to God...I was gonna take you there. Henry did use to go there for inspiration...whenever he wanted to sit and write."

Steve smiles and nods. "I believe you."

The trusting look he gives Bucky is very honest and transparent. It jars him a bit yet it moves him.

A taxi passes them by and Bucky looks down the street. "Let me hail you a cab. It's getting cold and you shouldn't walk back."

Steve stops him, touching his arm. “My car is parked near the shop. I already texted my chauffeur.”

“Oh, right.” Bucky feels embarrassed.

They both stand there, silent.

The door to his building opens and a couple leave, laughter ringing in the air. That prompts Bucky to move and when he walks up the steps to the door, he turns and waves at Steve.

"Alright. I'll see ya tomorrow.”

"Okay. When should we leave?"

Bucky checks his phone. "Uh...let's meet at King's Cross station. Around...eight in the morning. Is that good?"

"Perfect." Steve nods but doesn't move or attempt to walk away.

"Good night."

"Night."

Bucky gets inside, and the door closes behind him. The silence in the building is deafening but his ears are ringing nonetheless of what he's about to do.

He hesitates but he does it anyway.

He turns and opens the door to the building, his eyes catch Steve's retreating back. "Hey Steve!"

The guy turns, surprised.

And before Steve says anything, Bucky shouts. "Just so you know...Your company ain't so bad."

Steve stares before smiling. Like the sun. It's blinding and beautiful in this cold dark night.

Bucky looks away, feeling guilty somehow.

He doesn't even wait for Steve to respond. He just nods and quickly hurries to get back inside the building.

Bucky takes the stairs instead of the elevator, running all the way up to his apartment.

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been to Bath. It's a dream-like place <3
> 
> All mistakes are mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Sorry but I find the whole train system confusing,” Steve says as they walk through King’s Cross station.

They’re heading for their platform, each one of them carrying a cup of coffee and a muffin.

“Are you trying to remind me you’re very rich, Rogers? That you’ve never taken trains before?” Bucky asks mockingly before taking a sip of his coffee.

Steve actually stops. “Oh God-No-That’s-James, I swear-”

Bucky chuckles and Steve catches on and raises his brow at him. “Very funny. And I should’ve said  _ their _ train system.”

“Your face…” Bucky shakes his head. “Priceless.”

“Ha ha.” Steve mocks.  

“There isn’t that much of a difference to be honest. But don’t worry. It’s normal. All it needs is some adjusting. I had to go through it too.”

Steve smiles at him and then his eyes look at something past Bucky and points. “What’s going on over there?”

Bucky looks at where he’s pointing and smiles. “Oh, that’s people taking pictures at platform nine and three quarters.”

Steve’s eyes widen in disbelief. “Harry Potter?”

Bucky smiles. He knows the feeling. “Can’t believe you’re a fan.”

“Who isn’t? I read the books. But technically...I know someone who’s ...uh what do they call themselves?”

“Potterheads.”

“Yes, that’s the word.”

There’s a long line of people waiting for their turn to take a picture of themselves with the trolley embedded in the wall. You get to wear a scarf and hold on to it as if you’re about to disappear through platform 9 ¾. 

When Bucky and Steve pass by the long line, Steve asks Bucky to hold his coffee cup and bag of muffin for him. Bucky does so and watches as Steve runs around trying to find a clear angle to take a picture of the spot itself. 

It's a new version of Steve. He looks like a kid who is about to jump up and down to share some new information he's learned at school or from someone really cool. Bucky looks away and moves back out of the way from people who are rushing to get to their destination. 

Five minutes later and Steve jogs all the way back to him. He's waving his cell phone in the air. 

“Got it. Peter is going to lose it,” Steve remarks. He’s almost breathless in excitement, busy with his phone, probably sending it to whoever that guy is.

Bucky walks them to their platform. “Who's Peter?” He asks very nonchalantly, hoping that it comes off that way. Internally though, he’s curious but also fearful that it’s another family member he doesn’t know about. Henry never mentioned anyone by that name.

“An intern,” Steve answers. “Works for one of my close friends.”

Bucky frowns. “An intern?”

“Uh yeah...well, he's more like a protege and now he's more like family. To be totally honest with you, I think my friend will probably adopt him one day.”

Bucky bites his lip and nods, deciding not to comment. He gives Steve his coffee and muffin. 

It must be nice on the other side. On the other side of the fence. Steve seems to have more friends who seems to be really close, given what he's seen from Nat and Clint. And now this Peter kid. 

It sounds nice. They sound like they’re a family. 

So how come Henry never had that? 

Bucky’s dream was always to have a family of his own. That was one of the reasons that made him take that drastic step: marriage, moving to another country and starting a business. Bucky grew up without a family and he saw one in Henry. But Henry never showed Bucky that other side. He was cut off from it and he cut Bucky too. 

And now he's gone and Bucky is left behind.

“Hey.”

Bucky snaps out of it and looks up to see Steve’s concerned face. 

“You alright?”

Bucky quickly plasters on a fake smile. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s get to the train early so we can get good seats.”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

They end up sitting across from each other with a table between them. Bucky is very glad they found those seats. Usually, he can barely find a seat, let alone those around a table. So far, no one is sitting next to him and no one is sitting next to Steve. They’re both by the window.

“Aw man,” Steve mutters while staring at his cell phone. 

“What?” Bucky asks as he settles his coffee and muffin on the table.

“My cell phone is low on battery.” 

“Oh, here. I got my charger with me.” Bucky rummages through his messenger bag. He gets it out and plugs it in the outlet located under the table. Then he hands over the USB cable to Steve who is looking at him in surprise. 

“Don’t tell me,” Bucky says, smirking. “You didn’t know they had electrical outlets on the train?”

Steve bites the inside of his cheek. “I didn’t say that.”

Bucky shakes his head, snorting. “You didn’t have to.”   


And Steve rolls his eyes. “Whatever.”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

The trip to Bath is two hours long. Bucky spends the first hour buried deep in reading a new book by an indie author. Peggy knows her and she will be doing book signing at their shop very soon. They're both excited it about it. 

He would look up every now and then toward Steve who is always gazing out the window and sometimes taking pictures. 

“I swear it’s like a canvas,” Steve comments.

Bucky looks up and then to the view out the window. “I know. There’s something different about the landscape in Europe. The nature. I don’t know how or why. I can’t explain it.” 

“It’s good to be away from the city for a bit.”

“Yeah,” Bucky stares at the window some more before going back to his book.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

An hour later and Bucky looks up only to find Steve asleep. 

He’s leaning over the glass, sound asleep. He has put his scarf under his head to cushion it as he slept.

Bucky pauses, fingers on the page lest he forgets. He feels bad about traveling early. The guy is still recovering and maybe he's still tired. He's also probably not a morning person. Bucky observes him and strains his ears. There's no wheezing sound or anything. His chest isn't going up and down rapidly so that's a relief. He still looks tired but far better than when he was first discharged. The dark circles around his eyes are disappearing already.

Then Bucky finds himself staring. 

His eyes are fixed on his golden hair. With the morning sun shining through the window, it’s almost making it shimmer. Then his eyes travel on their own accord to the structure of his face. Steve has a very nice nose and cheekbones. His eyelashes are ridiculous. He’s never noticed them before. 

His mind can’t help but compare the two. 

The two brothers couldn’t be any different from each other. Granted, they’re not related by blood but there are no coincidental similarities whatsoever. They're nonexistent. While Steve has golden hair, Henry had dark, long hair. Steve’s eyes are blue, and Henry’s were black. Steve’s skin is clear while Henry had freckles scattered all over his face. 

While Henry looked like your average physique and broodiness of James Dean, Steve looks like he’s been sculpted by an Italian renaissance sculptor. 

Bucky feels guilty and he quickly buries his face in the book he’s been reading. He can feel his face heating up. 

He’s not doing anything wrong. He’s just noticing the differences and nothing else. There’s nothing more to it. 

He goes back to reading but gets stuck rereading the same sentence for the next five minutes straight.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Steve inhales deeply as soon as he gets off the train. “This is the loveliest place I’ve seen so far.”   


Steve drapes his jacket and scarf over his arm and Bucky drapes his over his shoulder. The weather is nice and the air here is fresh and clear. 

Bucky smiles his way as he leads him out the train station. “Come on. You’ve seen nothing yet.”

They walk their way to the depth of the cozy  city . Bucky explains to him that you basically don’t need to take a cab to enjoy the best parts of Bath. He shows him the Pulteney Bridge, the Bath Abbey and the many architectural buildings. Then he takes him to the the Royal Crescent. He explains to him that it was Henry's favorite spot. He would sit in the park facing the magnificent architecture and write, enjoying the solitude as well.    


“Before we get the books, I gotta make you try the tea here. There’s this place…” and Bucky proceeds to tell him about his favorite tea and scones place. It’s very small and into the depth of the town. 

Once they’re inside, Bucky orders tea and scones for both of them. 

“Having them is almost like having a religious experience, Steve,” Bucky remarks as soon as the owner himself brings them their order. 

“Cheers!” The owner says.  


“Thanks,” Bucky says, smiling up at him.  


Steve waits until he leaves before looking all skeptic. “Really? Because I never _got_ scones...I mean...I never got the whole idea of it…”

Bucky almost gasps. “Clearly you’ve never had the English ones.” Then he looks determinedly at him. “Watch this, Steve. This is how you eat a scone.”

Steve chuckles. “I know how to eat one, James. I’ve had them back home...What I meant is that I don’t see what the big deal is about scones.” 

Bucky splutters. “What the big deal is? Okay, let me know after you have one. Here.”

He breaks one in half, spreads some butter on top and it’s so hot it melts on the spot and then he spreads strawberry jam on top. The smell is mouth-watering. He hands it to Steve.

“Take a bite and let me know what you think.”

Ten minutes later and Steve orders more scones.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Bucky is looking at the bookshop across the cobblestone street. He takes deep breaths and tries not to tense up. He’s about to see William for the first time since the last time he and Peggy had been here.   


“Is that the one?” Steve asks, standing next to him.

“Yeah.” It comes out strained. 

Steve must’ve sensed for he asks him. “What’s wrong?” 

Bucky shakes his head. “Nothing.”

He crosses the street, Steve right beside him. Once they’re inside, Steve tells him he’ll look around until he’s finished. Bucky heads to the desk but no one is there so he walks all the way to the back, close to the staff room. 

“William? Hello?”

There’s a sound like boxes falling and a yelp before William appears from behind the back door. He looks all the same. Disheveled, eyeglasses askew, clothes mismatched and face too eager for Bucky’s comfort. He still gives him the creeps, especially his eyes.   


“Hello!” It comes out loud and he cringes, looking embarrassed. “Sorry. Hello, James. Fancy seeing you here.”

Bucky tries his best not to roll his eyes. “How’s it going, man?”

“Great! Splendid now that you're here.”

Bucky clears his throat as he looks around. _Damn him, he has a nice space._

“So, I’m sure Peggy informed you-”

“Of course.” William walks up to him and extends his hand. Bucky reluctantly takes it. 

“They’re right there. Come with me, James.”

Bucky walks with him to one corner of the shop. There are two boxes on the floor and one of them is open. He pulls ten small old books of fairytales. The spines are golden and the edges of the pages are so frail and almost ancient like.  


Bucky's eyes widen. He lets out a breath laugh. "Oh my!"

"Yes! Beautiful, right?"

"Very," Bucky whispers as he inspects them carefully. "Do you have a bag or something? I'm scared to stuff them in my messenger bag."

"Sure."

William goes and brings a tote bag. Carefully, Bucky puts them inside. 

Then William pulls some other short books from the box. "And I have these. Didn't have the time to mention it to Peggy. These are short penguin modern editions that are newly printed. So far, I have only ten copies. They’re limited. I will get the rest sometime next week. I thought I could share.”

Bucky glances at them and smiles. He takes them in his hands. “Wow. So cool. I think I probably will read all of them on my way back.”

He glances at the titles. Some of them are essays and some are short horror fiction. 

“There will be more genres in the future...if these work out in the market.”

Bucky nods as he scans and opens some of them. He brings one to his face and smells it like the bookaholic he is.

“So...How are you, James?”

Bucky doesn't even look up, and starts flipping the pages, scanning. “I’m good.”

He knows what Williams is trying to do now. And he doesn’t want to give him any window of opportunity. “You said the rest will come next week?”

“Yes, next week.”

Another few seconds before William speaks. “So, are you seeing anyone?”

_ There it is. _

Bucky sighs and hangs his head low. “Why are you asking me this again?”

He wants to at least make the guy feel ashamed or uncomfortable. It seems futile though because Williams replies with. “Come on, love. You gotta know by now.”

He hates it when he calls him that. He knows it’s a British thing but still. “No, I don’t, William.”

Bucky will play dumb till the end of time.

“Listen.” He steps closer to Bucky. “Are you not dating at all or just because it’s me who’s asking?”

Bucky feels his ears go red and he really doesn’t want to punch him. This man...they have a business with and he wants to let him down gently. But at the same time, the guy isn’t making it easy. Any normal person would immediately pick up on Bucky's vibe and back off.

“I’m not interested in dating,” Bucky says calmly, closing the book he was scanning and looking up with a very determined look. “Period.”

“Why?” There's this desperate look on his face that is almost comical. If Bucky wasn’t annoyed so much, he would’ve laughed.

So he shrugs. “It’s none of your business.”

Williams leans on the shelves and invading Bucky’s personal space a bit. 

Bucky doesn’t move. He stands tall and stares coldly right at him. 

“You know...it’s been a year…”

And it hits Bucky like a punch. The audacity of this guy to talk about Henry's passing. Or allude to Bucky’s grief being too long. 

_ What the fuck is wrong with this guy? _

Bucky composes himself, and warns through clenched teeth. “William...”

“You can’t just…” And the idiot waves his hands around. “You gotta move on-”

“Listen-”

“I mean...You’re young and handsome and I’m really interested-”

“It's none of your business whether I date or not. Whether I’m taking too long or not-”

“I'm not that ambitious-”

“You don't say,” Bucky huffs.

“Let's start with tea. Just around the corner, there’s-”

“Excuse me?” A loud voice disturbs the quiet shop.   


Bucky startles and sees Steve standing there. He almost forgot about him. 

He's standing there with a very calm and businesslike demeanor.

“Yes?” William straightens up. “How can I help you?”

“You the owner?”

“Yes.”

“How long have you had this business?”

Bucky frowns and so does William. 

“Oh, it's...years honestly. Family business.”

Steve nods and Bucky wants to say something but can't think of anything because the look Steve has on his face...It’s different. It's a very cold, unfriendly look. Not like him at all.  


“What are the profits like?”

Williams stammers. “I...I beg your pardon?”

“How many shipments do you get? Books or otherwise? Every week? Twice a week?”

“Uh….” and Williams moves away from Bucky, looking very suspicious.

“Or how about,” Steve waves his hand around, a contemplative look on his face. “How many have you sold this morning?”

“I'm not going to tell you that kind of information, Sir.”

Steve shrugs. “Why not?”

“Because it's absolutely none of your business.”

Steve then smiles widely and nods. “So you do understand what the phrase _none of your business_ mean.”

Bucky purses his lips and looks at William. The latter looks lost and conflicted. He shakes his head as if to clear it and looks between Bucky and Steve.

“I’m sorry but who are you?”

Steve extends his hand. “I’m Steve. James’s brother-in-law.”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

“You didn’t have to do that,” Bucky hisses over his shoulder as he leaves the shop, tote bag in hand. 

Steve is right on his heels. “Well, you didn’t seem like you were doing anything-”

“Maybe…” Bucky quickly turns around making Steve almost bump into him. “I didn’t want to do anything. Thought of that?”

Steve gives him a skeptic look. “Really?”

Bucky closes his eyes and counts to five. “I was already handling it.”

“Didn’t look like you were.” Steve looks away, frowning.

"He's harmless!"

"That guy is far from harmless," Steve stresses. 

“That guy...” Bucky points at the store with his hand. “We have business with him. And he’s a friend of Peggy’s. Old one. I don’t wanna mess that up.”

“Well,” Steve stresses, pointing behind him. “I don’t like bullies. I don’t care who they are or where they come from.”

Bucky blinks. It’s not what he expected him to say. How he expected him to explain. 

It disorients him a bit. The vast reaction between the two. Between the two brothers. 

He looks away, staring off. 

“Listen,” Steve starts and reaches for Bucky but decides against it. “I didn’t mean to upset you. That wasn’t my intention. At all.”

Bucky squints into the sun before looking back at Steve. He has stepped closer and his face has softened. 

“But,” Steve continues, clearing his throat. “I would do it again. He should’ve gotten a hint. He should’ve backed off. That wasn’t right. I almost punched him but didn’t wanna be...too dramatic.”

That makes Bucky barks out a laugh. Steve shrugs before he starts chuckling. 

“Really? That's what stopped you? Being too dramatic?” Bucky asks, still laughing.

“Yeah,” Steve says it like it’s an obvious excuse. 

Bucky nods, running a hand over his face. “So not because it’s considered assault and you could be charged.”

Steve shakes his head. “Of course not. That guy deserved a punch or two. Maybe a kick too.”

Bucky can’t help but laugh out loud, shaking his head at the guy. “You’re ridiculous.”

“I’m totally the opposite.”

Bucky raises his brow. “Okay, whatever you say.” 

He then motions for them to leave and start heading back into town. “Come on. I gotta show you something.”

“I thought we were gonna leave for London.”

Bucky turns to him and smirks. “Not before this.”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

“The Roman Baths?” Steve asks, squinting at the building.

Bucky pats on him the shoulder. “You can’t come to Bath without stopping here.”

They get in and Bucky pays for both tickets much to Steve’s objections. 

“I brought you here,” Bucky has explained. "You didn't know about them."  


Once inside, Bucky points to the desk distributing headphones for information and brochures. 

“I have you,” Steve says, smiling.

Bucky looks at him, curious. “What if I lie to you?”

Steve shrugs. “You won’t.”

Bucky looks at him, studying the honesty and trust displayed on that face. Someone bumps into him and he apologizes before turning to Steve.

“Come on. This way.”

They get to roam the place and Steve can’t believe his eyes. Bucky informs him how it's a Roman site and how it was used for public bathing back in those times. It's one of the best reserved Roman remains. During the whole time touring, Steve would take pictures and only twice he asked Bucky to take some pictures of him with the statues around the terrace. Once they reach the spa water fountain,  Bucky stops.

“So, here, you can actually taste the water which attracted people for centuries,” Bucky explains as he grabs a paper cup and hands it to Steve.

“You won’t try it?” Steve asks, holding the cup.

“I did. Many times. I figure I don’t need to but if you’re scared, I’m willing to do it so you won’t feel left out.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “I’ll drink two cups, how’s that?”

Bucky smirks and doesn't pick a cup of his own. “You sure about that?”

“I accept your challenge, James.”

Bucky waves with his hand to the fountain and Steve fills his small paper cup. He drinks half before grimacing so hard, Bucky laughs.

“That nice, huh?” Bucky giggles.

Steve holds the area between his eyes and then quickly gulps down the rest. Then he swiftly fills up the cup again and Bucky watches, amazed at his hardheadedness.

“You can’t hold your breath, Rogers. It’s cheating.”

Steve inhales deeply and says, “I never cheat.”

Once he drinks the second cup, he doubles over. “Jesus Christ that’s bad water.”

Bucky takes the cup from him and pats him on the back. “You'll live.”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

They head to the train station after grabbing lunch at a small Italian restaurant. They catch the train waiting there to head out to London. They practically ran to the platform.  

“Shit. It’s my fault.” Bucky tells Steve as soon as they get on the train. They're the last to get on.  


All the seats are taken and some people are already standing up, reserving a spot for themselves.

“What is?” Steve accidentally bumps into his back and Bucky turns carefully in the crowded aisle. 

“It’s a full one. We should've waited for the next one.”

Steve moves from around him and looks around. The doors close and the train leaves right on time. Bucky sways and quickly grabs on to the bar. They’re in the middle, right between two passenger  cars . And it’s already crowded. With his messenger bag strap digging into his shoulder, he slings the heavy book tote bag over his other shoulder. Steve is next to him. They’re facing each other as people try and walk around looking for seats. Bucky now is kinda worried for Steve and the suffocating atmosphere.

“You okay?” Bucky asks, leaning closer so he can hear him.

Steve leans over and nods. “I can see available seats down there.” And he points behind him.

Bucky shakes his head. “That’s first class. And some seats are already reserved for whoever gets on in the next stop. You can see the tag from here.”

Steve cranes his neck, looking. The swooshing doors open and three people pass them by, trying to find seat in the next  passenger car . One of them accidentally bumps into Bucky. 

Bucky loses his footing and falls right into Steve’s arms. Bucky has let go of the bar to brace himself and now both of his palms hit Steve right in the chest. The word ‘sorry’ comes out of him automatically. 

The image of Peggy touching Steve’s pecs that day invades his mind and he doesn’t blame her now. That’s one hard-rock chest. And warm too. 

He looks up and finds Steve looking at him in worry. His hand comes to rest gently on Bucky’s waist. 

“You okay?” Steve asks softly.  


Bucky nods and clears his throat. “Yeah. Sorry. I mean fine. I’m fine. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Bucky gulps and quickly steps away, bumping into someone behind him. He mutters his apologies and spends the next ten minutes plastered to the wall. His eyes are glued to the window but all he could see was what he must’ve looked like. 

_ Jesus. I looked so stupid! _

“Come on.”

Bucky looks Steve’s way, questioning.

Steve points in the direction of first class. “Let's go there.”

Bucky shakes his head. “We...I mean Peggy didn't pay for those.”

“We’ll upgrade.”

And he takes Bucky’s arm and drags him toward first class, navigating between the crowd. Bucky apologizes every five seconds. Steve doesn’t let go of his arm and half way there, his hand slides only to hold Bucky's wrist instead.   


Once they reach first class, they’re both breathless and Steve lets go of him. First class is almost empty. The cold AC hits them and Bucky is more than thankful. He tries to spot the seats that aren't reserved already when Steve calls out his name.

“Right here!”

He's relieved when he sees Steve standing by some really good seats. They sit across each other and Steve puts his jacket and scarf on the above compartment. 

“We gotta notify the  ticket collector once he passes by,” Bucky says as he takes off his messenger bag and his jacket.   


“Don't worry about it. It's on me.”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“So it's okay for you to pay for me in the Roman baths but not for me when it's for an upgrade?”

“That's different. I took you there.”

“We’re even, James.”

Refreshment passes them by and Bucky buys two bottles of water and two coffee. 

Steve takes pictures of the view then pays for the upgrade when the ticket collector shows up. 

"Thanks," Bucky says.

"Don't mention it."

The next ten minutes finds Bucky inspecting the books William donated to them. Then he pulls one of those short penguin modern editions to read. He picks Fame by Andy Warhol.

Fifteen minutes into reading the book, Steve speaks.   


“Listen to this voice note,” Steve says and hands over his phone, motioning for Bucky to listen.  


Bucky frowns and leans across the table. He puts his ear near the phone and almost cringes at the loud screaming.

“Oooooh myyyyyy GOD. Mr. Steve. That’s so cool. That’s amazing. I can’t-I don’t-I gotta tell my friends. You were there! I mean-I know it’s not real-BUT YOU WERE THERE! Thank you thank you thank you for the picture. I can’t-OhmyGod-it’s so cool. Okay. I’m gonna stop now. But yeah...OMG!”

It's a kid's voice and Bucky chuckles at the extreme excitement in it. 

“Peter?” he asks Steve, still smiling.

Steve nods as he puts his phone back on the table. “Yeah.” he chuckles before adding, “I think I opened Pandora’s box.”

Bucky smiles at that and rests his back, looking at Steve who’s now gazing back at the scenery passing them by. 

He doesn’t even think twice about what he says next.

“Call me Bucky.”

Steve looks at him, questioning. “Pardon?”

Bucky can feel goosebumps on the back of his neck but he ignores it. “You can call me Bucky. James it too formal anyway.”

Steve smiles and this time Bucky doesn't feel guilty about it.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

_ “Jesus Christ did you see the way he came onto me?” Bucky said to Henry as they got out of the shop. _

_ Henry lit a cigarette and took a drag before asking. “Who?”  _

_ Bucky stopped in his tracks. “What do you mean who? William, of course.” _

_ Henry frowned and then laughed. “William? No? Really?” _

_ “I’m glad you find this funny,” Bucky replied, sarcasm dripping from his voice. _

_ “Aw come on, love. It’s flattering if you ask me.” _

_ “I think it’s disrespectful. He knows we’re married and he point blank talked about wanting to take me to a club...how are you not bothered by this?” _

_ “Because he’s harmless.” _

_ “I was this close-THIS CLOSE- to punching him in the face. I’m not gonna stop myself next time.” _

_ “I think it’s charming, actually.” _

_ Bucky looked at him with such indignation that Henry stopped. “What?” _

_ Bucky shook his head, huffed and sped up.  _

_ “Bucky, come on.” _

_ He didn’t stop even when Henry kept calling his name.  _

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine.

 

 

 

 

The next day finds Bucky opening the shop earlier than usual. And he leaves the door open since it feels a bit stuffy inside. It doesn't help when you're surrounded by old dusty books. As much as he loves their smell, people want to breathe.

He finishes the scones he bought on his way here before he moves around, picking up some books. He fixes some labels on shelves as he sips his coffee. Peggy is gonna be a little bit late so he goes to the records shelf and picks Billie Holiday Essentials and puts it on. He stares at the vinyl spinning before her voice sings. He smiles and lets it fill the place.

“Knock, knock!” A voice says behind him.

Bucky turns and is taken aback with the presence of a strange man. Customers usually start coming in around ten. Not seven.

“Morning,” Bucky says in what he hopes is a cheerful manner. The guy looks out of place with his expensive suit, coat, dark sunglasses and very pronounced goatee.

“How can I help you?”

The guy saunters around, taking off his jacket and draping it over his arm. He then turns and points at the record player.

“Billie Holiday!” He says excitedly as if he's in a contest.

Bucky nods and smiles politely. “The one and only.”

“You know,” and he shakes his finger toward the source of the sound. “My old man spent a fortune-A FORTUNE- to get some original record of hers. An old one. Barely audible.”

Bucky is stumped because he doesn't know why this guy is telling him this and doesn't know what he expects him to say.

Should he clap?

The man sighs. “Ah my old man...Bastard. But I get it.” And he spreads his arms wide. “I mean...I once was _so_ bored that I bought an island. Just because.”

Now all Bucky knows so far from this interaction is that this guy is an American-from his accent-and that there’s definitely a screw loose in his head.

Bucky decides to tread carefully. For all he knows, he could be a deranged person that stumbled his way here.

But a very well-dressed deranged person.

He smiles brightly. “So is there anything I can help you with?”

“Not really. Just looking. Jet lag.” And he waves his hands around as if Bucky would get it.

“Well,” Bucky smiles politely. “Let me know if you change your mind.”

“Okay,” and he points at Bucky. “Mister…”

“My name is James.”

He takes off his sunglasses and gives him a toothy grin. “James. Nice to meet you.”

Bucky nods and prays that nothing goes wrong and that Peggy changes her mind and shows up early. He goes back to behind the desk and stays there to check their e-mail.

Five minutes later, he hears the guy come over.

“Say James...do you happen to have…” and he looks at the door for too long that makes Bucky actually look at the door.

When it's apparent there's nothing there, Bucky waits before the guy jerks up as if remembering that he’s here.

“Yes! Do you have books on, you know...top ten billionaires around the world?”

“Uh-”

“Or any kind of list about philanthropists. I’m not picky.”

_You’re already are._

“Um,” Bucky scratches his head.  “I’m sorry but we don’t have that kind of books. You can find something like that for sure in big stores. Try Waterstones.”

He gives Bucky a very calculating yet amused look. “Okay. Alright.”

He keeps staring at Bucky and Bucky tries his best to appear and act nonchalant but this guy is making him self-conscious.

Then he claps loudly that it startles Bucky.

“Well, I’m off. Thanks, James. I’ll see you some other time.”

Bucky tries really hard not to frown. “You’re welcome. Have a good one.”

Once he leaves, Bucky lets his guard down and sighs loudly. “What the hell?”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Peggy shows up an hour later, looking too chirpy.

“You’re in a good mood,” Bucky comments over his shoulder as he cleans some dusty books.

“What can I say,” she sighs. “I’m always in a good mood.”

“Not _that_ good,” he smirks.

“Hush now, James. Don’t be rude.” She goes and hugs him from the back. “I have good news but...you gotta tell me all about Bath.”

He wiggles out of her arms after giving her hand a kiss. He goes and shows her where he stacked the newly borrowed books.

“Bath is…” He sighs. “Still the same. Beautiful.”

“How did Steve like it?”

Bucky finds himself proud. “He loved it. Enjoyed everything. I honestly tried to show him more but we figured we should get back.”

Then he frowns, remembering. “Oh and it was almost ruined by your _friend_ William.”

She rolls her eyes. “Don’t be like that.”

He pauses and says in a serious tone, “No, Peggy. Steve almost punched him.”

She stops and raises her brows. “What do you mean?”

Bucky sighs and explains to her what had happened.

For the first time she listens to him complaining about this particular issue without smiling or rolling her eyes.

“I’ve known William since university days…” she remarks. “I knew he’s a thoughtless bastard but not to that extent. I thought he'd be more mature by now.”

Bucky shrugs and moves from the shelf to find a place for those penguin modern editions in the other aisle.

He remembers Steve’s anger and his reasoning. “He’s right. Steve. William is a bully.”

“I’m so sorry, James.”

He turns around. Her voice is full of remorse. She looks very hurt. He walks up to her.

“Hey. It’s alright. He’s the asshole.”

She holds him by the shoulders. “I’m gonna contact him today and send him a scathing e-mail.”

He shakes his head but she persists. “No, I’m gonna do it. No one messes with my James.”

He smiles and welcomes the kiss she leaves on his forehead.

“I have red lipstick on my forehead, don’t I?” he asks, resigned.

She winks and carries her bag heading to the staff room. “It’s a good look, darling.”

“Wait, what are the good news?”

“I’ll tell you later over lunch.”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Just before lunch, Steve stops by the shop. He comes in all smiles and Bucky watches him navigating between the crowd in the shop.

He smiles his way.

“Hey,” Steve greets, waving his hand.

Bucky finds himself genuinely smiling. “Hey. How’s it going?”

“Can I say I miss Bath already?” Steve chuckles a bit as he leans on the shelf.

“Yes, you can. Totally get it.”

“So, I came here to ask if you know any good Italian restaurants. I’m taking my chauffeur Charlie for lunch. I feel bad already for letting him drive me around…”

Bucky pauses and stares at him. The gesture takes him a bit by surprise. It shouldn’t but it did.

“Oh.” He nods. “Yeah. There’s one. Actually two.”

He tells him their names and locations and Steve writes it on his phone. He looks too excited that it makes Bucky smile again.

“Give me your phone,” Bucky says, hand outstretched.

Steve lifts his head up. “Huh?”

Bucky wiggles his fingers and Steve hands over his phone.

Bucky gives himself a missed call and programs his number under ‘Bucky Barnes’.

“I put my number in. So you don't have to come down all this way for a question.”

When he looks up, he finds Steve blushing to the roots of his hair.

Bucky feels bad for embarrassing him. “Or uh not. You can come by any time.”

“I thought I could help too," Steve says. "Maybe after? Since it's almost lunchtime?”

“I was thinking of showing you another spot. Henry used to visit tirelessly. Tomorrow? Because it basically needs a full day.”

Steve’s face brightens. “Yeah. Please.”

It's funny how he keeps showing him those spots that Henry loved but don't talk a lot about the guy himself. Every time Bucky wants to talk more about Henry to Steve, he can't. He doesn't know why but it seems that Steve has probably the same case. Maybe he's not the only one here.

Or maybe Steve is the one waiting for Bucky to always be the one who starts the conversation.

“Steve, darling!”

They both turn to see Peggy striding toward them and then enveloping Steve in a very tight hug. When she doesn't let go, Bucky gets concerned.

Steve chuckles slightly before asking, “Hey...you okay?”

Bucky frowns, touching her arm. “Pegs?”

She pulls away and leaves a kiss on Steve’s cheek. “Thank you. For sticking up for James.”

Bucky sighs in relief, muttering, “Jesus, you scared me.”

“Sorry?” Steve looks between them confused.

“What happened in Bath,” she clarifies.

Bucky wants to disappear. But he stays where he is and watches as Steve stands tall.

“Of course.” And he glances Bucky’s way. “Always.”

Bucky blinks and then looks away before catching Peggy’s eye. She gives him a look he doesn't want to interpret.

Steve breaks the silence between them. “I gotta go now but I'll be here tomorrow.”

“You do that.”

Once he leaves, Bucky quickly turns around and busies himself with a customer who wasn't in need of any help. He just doesn't want to give Peggy and her misinterpretations any window of opportunity.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Bucky and Peggy are walking in Hyde Park before heading home for the day.

“You never told me the good news,” he says before sipping his hot green tea.

“They’ll be good news once you give me your input.”

Bucky frowns and stops walking. She stops and fixes a wild strand of hair that fell on his forehead.

“Your hair is getting longer. On the top.”

He tries to blow it and he gets cross-eyed which makes them both giggle.

“What is it?”

“The place above the shop. The apartment?”

“Yeah. What about it?”

“Owner is selling and I'm thinking of buying it.”

“But you already have a house,” Bucky says, frowning.

She swats his arm. “Not for me. For the shop.”

He stares at her in confusion, so she elaborates.

“I'm thinking of expanding, James. We can have the second floor. More space. More books.”

It takes him by surprise. “Uh…”

“You hate it,” She says with a strained smile.

“No, it's just…”

She holds him by the shoulders. “You don't have to say anything. Think about it.”

He tries his best to choose the right words. “I thought...I thought we thrived on being a small shop… cozy...vintage atmosphere...”

“We’re not selling out. It's not gonna be a cafe upstairs but more space, maybe a couch for reading and more books.”

He tries to smile but fails. But then he shrugs. “I mean...whatever you think is-”

“No. Not what I think. We’re in this _together_. You have to be on board in order for me to do so. Otherwise, we’ll scratch the whole thing.”

He sighs and then she takes his arm in hers. “Think about it. But we’ve got to let him know in two days.”

“Okay. I'll think about it.”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Victoria and Albert museum stands tall as people come and go.

Bucky and Steve make their way to the entrance. It's a nice day and a bit sunny so Steve regrets bringing his coat.  

“Free of charge by the way,” Bucky says over his shoulder once they get inside.

They start exploring the museum. They visit the Islamic art, South and East Asian and the photography section. Bucky gets excited because it's his own favorite spot even though he's seen that collection many times beforehand.

The paintings collection is another extraordinary section to explore.

Bucky notices that Steve would always stand too long in front of paintings. 

Once they're half way exploring the place, Bucky guides him to where Henry used to sit and write.

“Right there,” Bucky squints as the sun shines on him out in the John Madejski Garden.

The landscape is breath-taking. People are enjoying their time around the elegant oval pool and the delicate jets that frame it.

Kids are playing around while adults are eating and enjoying the sounds of the water.

“Really? Here?” Steve asks as they walk around to find a vacant spot. 

Bucky motions to him to where they should sit. He finds a good spot and sits on the sandstone steps leading to the water. Bucky watches as Steve sits and leaves his jacket on his lap.

“Sometimes he liked the noise. Gets lost in it. He liked people watching too.”

Steve hums in understanding.

Bucky glances his way. He looks conflicted. Maybe that's how it looks like when he realizes that his brother has changed. And he didn't know about it until now.

He doesn't blame him.

They sit together, not talking and just people watching. Kids pass by and they both smile their way.

“It's just he never liked kids,” Steve says quietly.

“He didn't,” Bucky confirms.

“Do you?”

Bucky looks his way, a bit startled with the question. No one ever asked him that. Not even Henry, even though Bucky knows he knew.

“Yes. Yeah. I like kids.” He looks straight ahead at the kids with their parents. “I was an only child. I've always wanted siblings. So I promised myself to have lots of kids when the right time comes.”

He prays that Steve drops it and luckily he does. But he does offer something.

“I have two godsons.”

“Oh?”

Steve nods and there's a fond look on his face. “Yeah. They're my best friend’s kids.”

“Nat?” Bucky asks, skeptic.

Steve laughs out loud before shaking his head. “Sorry but I really can't imagine her having kids any day soon.”

Bucky smiles and agrees but doesn't say it out loud.

“She told me once too. It's not that she doesn't like them. But she likes them from a distance.”

Bucky chuckles. “That's one way to put it.”

There's a comforting silence later between them. The sun is nice and the sounds are calming somehow.

“Sam.”

Bucky frowns. “Pardon?”

“Sam Wilson,” Steve says softly. “My best friend.”

“Oh. both of his kids?”

“Yeah. They’re very sweet. They're...they're good kids. Good-hearted. Just like their father.”

Bucky rests his elbows on his knees and stares ahead. At another time, he’d enjoy the calming noise but his mind is still preoccupied with what Peggy had told him. He still can't even decide on the matter.

“You alright?” Steve asks.

Bucky squints at the sky before turning to him. Steve is looking at him in a way that’s very comforting. It’s like when Peggy lets him confide in her with whatever is troubling him with just a look.

He finds himself asking, “Can I ask for your advice on something?”

Steve turns his whole body toward him. “Of course.”

Bucky doesn't look his way and he's fidgeting so he clasps his hands together. “You're a...a successful businessman I'm sure-I mean you're in business-you run a business-you have a family business-”

“Bucky,” Steve interrupts.  

Bucky whips his head around. It's the first time he's called by that name. And it's okay. It doesn't feel weird or upsetting. It's weirdly familiar.

“What?”

There's an amused smile on Steve’s face. “You said the word business too many times in one breath.”

Bucky chuckles. “Punk.”

Steve laughs and nudges him with his shoulder. “Go on.”

“Peggy wants to expand. The business.”

“How so?”

“She wants to buy the place above us and expand the shop. Have another floor for books.”

Steve doesn't answer immediately. When Bucky looks his way, Steve says, “but you don't want that, right?”

Bucky purses his lips and then shrugs. “What do I know...I mean, I get it but…”

“You're scared it's gonna lose its stamp. That coziness and vintage feel to it.”

Bucky feels heard. “Yes! Exactly.”

“I totally get it. But if you want my advice from a business perspective...I say go for it.”

“Really?” It comes out soft.

“Absolutely. Expansion is never bad. On the contrary, it’s good for the business in the long run. And for your shop, I’ve seen how customers gravitate towards it. Book lovers I mean. Imagine what’s gonna happen when you provide them with more books.”

Bucky nods as he listens and contemplates Steve’s words.

“Change is good,” Steve tells him. When Bucky looks his way, he smiles reassuringly. “It may be scary but it’s never bad.”

“That still your business perspective?” Bucky asks.

“No.”

Bucky nods and chooses not to pursue an elaboration. Instead, he looks ahead at the water as he thinks about it some more.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

On their way out of the museum, they stop by the shop and Steve picks up some souvenirs for his friends back home. They pass by the sculptures and they both stand in front of Pandora and many others when they spot a group of art students sitting down and are in the middle of sketching the statue in front of them.

“They must have fun all the time, coming here,” Bucky says to Steve.

When he doesn’t hear any sort of remark, he glances Steve's way and finds him looking lost. There’s this longing and heartbreaking look over his face.

“Steve?” Bucky asks, concern in his voice.

When he doesn’t answer, Bucky touches his arm lightly. Steve is startled and then chuckles. “Sorry. You said something?”

Bucky stares at him. “Not really. You kinda zoned out.”

Steve runs his hand through his hair. “It’s fine. I was just thinking about something. Come on.”

Bucky follows him but isn’t sure that was the case.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

The next day Bucky informs Peggy of his decision.

“Okay. Let's do it.”

“Really?” She asks, her eyes sparkling.

He chuckles. “Go for it. Change is good.”

“Brilliant! Brilliant!” And she hugs him tight.

He laughs when she tries-and fails-to lift him off the floor. “Nice try.”

“I'm so glad you came to this sound decision.”

He nods, and doesn't say at all that he sought Steve’s advice on the matter. He’ll keep that to himself. He doesn't want her to give him one of those secretive vague looks like the one she gave him yesterday.

Peggy clapping jerks him. “We’ll celebrate. Tomorrow night!”

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Bucky dresses nicely for the night. He wears clean tight jeans, a green t-shirt and his nice black leather jacket. He looks for a good scarf but can’t find one that suits the look so he disregards that idea. He forgoes the bag. It's been a while since they celebrated something good. He fixes his hair again. His fingers card through the long hair on the top of his head and he pulls it. Peggy is right. It's getting longer.

But that's okay. “Change is good,” he says to his reflection in the mirror.

He uses a bit of hair gel to smooth it back and attempts a pompadour and succeeds. Once he's satisfied with his look, he grabs his wallet and keys and heads out, opting to take a cab to the pub.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

He finds Peggy and Sousa at their usual table. They wave his way and he breaks into a wide smile. The cozy and small pub is one of their favorites and it's extra special since the owner is a close friend of Peggy’s late father.

“Hey guys!” Bucky grabs a chair and sits.

“Hello. You look nice,” Peggy comments as she tries to touch his hair.

“No, please.” He pulls back, evading her hands. “I finally got it to a semi-perfect pompadour.”

She snorts. “Such a diva."

Sousa chuckles and nudges the beer toward Bucky. “We took the liberty of ordering for you.”

“Oh, thank you,” and he takes two huge gulps of it.

They get to talk and catch up.

It’s only fifteen minutes later that Peggy waves to someone behind Bucky.

“Over here.”

Bucky frowns. “Who did you…”

He stills when he sees Steve come inside the pub. He is heading their way taking off his jacket and scarf on his way to them. Once he sees Bucky, he pauses a bit causing him to accidentally bump into a guy trying to get up from his chair. Steve apologizes profusely and picks his scarf that fell in the process.

He's red in the face as he heads straight for their table.

Bucky quickly glances Peggy’s way and sees her shrugging slightly. She gets him and he doesn’t really mind Steve being there. It’s just...he’s caught off guard.

“Hey guys." And Steve fails twice in draping his jacket over the back of the chair. The scarf is on the floor again and it looks criminal to see it there with how expensive it looks.

Bucky ducks down to pick it up. His hand can't help but rub the cashmere texture between his fingers. It's so soft Bucky wants to wrap it around himself.

He doesn't wait for Steve and instead drapes it against the chair. Steve doesn't look his way but mutters his thanks.

Once he's settled, he inhales deeply and leans, elbows on the table. “Thanks for inviting me, guys. And congratulations.”

“Peggy told me you helped around the shop,” Sousa says to him, brow raised.

Steve flushes. “If you call it helping then sure.”

“Too modest, you’ll kill me, Steven.” Peggy signals someone to get them appetizers.

Bucky smiles and nudges Steve elbow with his beer.

“You did help,” Bucky seeks his eyes

Steve, again, doesn't look his way. It confuses Bucky a bit.

Instead Steve smiles, cheeks red. “It was the other way around but okay.”

Bucky doesn't ask him to elaborate because that's one loaded statement. And it's probably not his place. He looks away and decides to enjoy the night.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

They're all having a great time after they had sandwiches for dinner and are now just chatting about Sousa’s students and how soft-hearted he is.

“I can't fail anyone. Sorry.” And he waves his hand around as if blocking anyone from changing his mind.

Peggy sidles closer to him and pinches his cheek. “That's because you have the biggest heart.”

Bucky smiles their way. He knows very well of Sousa’s silent love for Peggy but the fool made him promise not to say anything until he feels the time is right.

The faint music stops and then Bill, the owner, shouts.

“Peggy, love!”

Peggy smirks and Bucky doesn't know what's happening until he hears the speakers blasting The Pointer Sisters’ Jump so loud.

Bucky groans and rests his head back. He knows what's about to happen and he can't believe she did that.

“Come on, James. You know we’ve got to.”

“Wait, what's going on?” Steve says to him, looking confused.

Bucky wants the ground to open up and swallow him. His face reddens by the second. He points at her when he sees her getting up and heading his way, motioning with her fingers to come and join her.

“No, Peggy!”

“Come on…” She pulls him up against his will and out of the corner of his eye, he sees Sousa telling Steve about what’s happening.

The place is cleared for them for Bill love it when they do it. When they dance stupidly to this song. The clapping and whistling begins and Bucky takes off his jacket. “I'm not sweating in it.”

He throws it on his chair and misses. But Steve catches it in time to drape it on the back of the chair.

Peggy drags him all the way to the center, the space meant for them. He puts his hand in hers and the other around her waist. And off they go with a ridiculous dance routine that they had made up themselves. They spin around waltzing, then they do a little bit of swing dancing and do the stupidest mix of dancing but one thing they keep doing: jump whenever the Pointer Sisters tell them to. At one point he spins Peggy and then lifts her up, arms tight around her waist.

He laughs because they look ridiculous and then he's out of breath and stops mid song, pulling himself away despite Peggy’s effort to keep him dancing.

“I can't!”

A lot of ‘awws’ fill the small place but he waves his hands in surrender. Then he points at her. “You're on your own.”

“Coward!” She shouts his way.

The stomping and clapping dies down and Peggy goes to Bill to probably order something or thank him or to chat. All Bucky cares about right now is to disappear and try to avoid Steve’s laughing eyes.

“Oh my God!” Steve says right as Bucky sits down.

“Shut up,” he mutters and looks for water.

Peggy shows up with four bottles that are freezing and Bucky welcomes it as he gulps.

“No, I meant it in a good way.”

Bucky wipes his forehead and groans when he realizes that he ruined his hairstyle. “There's nothing good about that dance except the sentiment.”

Steve claps his back. “I think it’s awesome.”

Bucky doesn’t know how to hide his embarrassment so he actually embarrasses himself more by sticking his tongue out like a kid. Steve actually raises his brow in amusement before bursting out laughing.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

Sousa is in a heated discussion with Steve about the environment and global warming and unloading on him all the things he’s heard this week at his workplace. Bucky keeps to himself.

He just watches.

Steve is laughing and talking with his friends. It’s not strange anymore. Bucky catches himself sometimes feeling disoriented at the picture in front of him.

At one point, Steve raises his beer. “Congratulations all on this new venture. All the best. And thanks for inviting me.”

They all clank their beers and Steve nudges Bucky’s shoulder with his.

“Thanks for including me,” Steve mutters. "Especially tonight. I needed it.”

Bucky purses his lips and doesn't say that he didn't and it was all Peggy. There's no need for that. 

He notices the frown on Steve’s face. Maybe it's his turn to ask.

“Why? You alright?”

Steve plays with the bottle, wiping the condensation with his fingers. “My friend showed up unannounced. Typical.”

Bucky frowns and leans closer toward him so he can hear him.

“Wait, Nat and Clint are back?”

Steve takes a gulp of his beer before shaking his head. “No. Another one. He just…” and Steve waves his hand around. “First, he showed up unannounced. I mean...that's not cool.”

Bucky notices that Steve, for the first time, is a bit upset and rattled.

“So he just came from back home?”

“Yeah. He’s claiming that his fiance wants some time off and he thought he’d stop by since I’m in London.”

Bucky plays with the napkin when Steve adds, “And they also think I’m a kid…”

That statement stops Bucky and he looks at Steve who is staring at the label on his beer. He’s scratched it now.

“I’m sure…” Bucky tries even though he has no context to work with. “They mean well.”

Steve gives him a sad smile before finishing his beer. Bucky finds himself not liking that at all. He shouldn't have that look on his face. He's been nothing but--

Bucky clears his throat and dismisses all thoughts and concerns about Steve. It's not his place.

 

 

~.~.~.~

 

 

They're walking around London.

When they got out, Peggy wanted to walk home. She has her arm in Steve’s and Bucky is behind them with Sousa.

Bucky stares ahead and slows his own steps down to keep up with Sousa. Looking at Peggy and Steve, he can still hear them and they're talking about business things.

“You know,” Bucky starts and whispers to his friend. “When are you gonna make your move?”

Sousa chuckles. “You don't give up do you?”

“Because I know she won't reject you.”

“Did she say that?”

Bucky huffs. “No, but you don't see how she acts around you.”

“It's not the right time, Bucky.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Whatever you say but…you don't have to worry.”

“Hm?”

He nods his head toward the two. “She's not interested in him in that way.”

Sousa smiles and nods.

Then Peggy looks back at them. “So what did you think, Steve? About Bucky as a dancer?”

Bucky almost stumbles and falls on his face. He doesn't look up but he hears Steve chuckle.

“He's amazing. You guys were natural.”

Bucky feels his cheeks redden and doesn't say anything. Peggy does though. She asks something that maybe Bucky would've been scared to ask.

“Are you as good a dancer as Henry?”

Bucky sees them slowing down and Steve at one point turns to glance back at Bucky.

“Dear God, no. Henry was way better than me. He was...extraordinary. I remember seeing him with Joan dancing and it was...breathtaking.”

And Bucky stops. He stops and a memory rushes through his mind.

 

 

_“You're so smug when it comes to dancing,” Bucky told Henry, giggling as his husband dipped him._

_They were dancing to slow music in their small apartment._

_“You can't blame me,” Henry huffed. “I'm excellent. Taught by the best.”_

_“By who?”_

_“My mum.”_

_“That's sweet.”_

_“And I'm so glad she did. I was a natural-”_

_“Wow, very humble.”_

_Henry stuck his tongue out, making Bucky snort. He continued_ _boasting_ _. “She taught me at an early age, telling me that everyone should know how to dance…especially men because we tend to be awful by default. Her words, not mine.”_

_They danced some more before Henry chuckled. “I remember how she tried to teach Steve...oh God, he was horrible. He used to step on her feet all the time. Clumsy bastard.”_

_Bucky flicked the back of his head lightly. “That's mean.”_

_Henry huffed. “He would just sit and watch mum and me dance. He used to take notes. Can you imagine? Such a creep.”_

_Bucky raised his brow.  “You could’ve tried to help him, give him pointers or something.”_

_Henry stopped dancing and Bucky’s heart sank because there was that look again. The hard look reserved for Steve._

_“He stole Dad from me and I wasn't going to let him steal Mum too.”_

 

 

Steve’s chuckle brings Bucky back to reality. Back to the agonizing presence of this current moment. A moment of some upcoming reveal. Bucky can feel it coming but he doesn't know if he's ready. Doesn't know how to avoid it.

He stares at the backs of Steve and Peggy. Even though he's stopped following them, he can still hear them since they're walking leisurely.

“You could’ve asked him to help you,” Peggy says, looking up at him, arm still in his.

Steve has his head down. “I did but he was couldn't...He was very gracious about it. He was busy...you know, school and such. He had to do a lot of activities. Piano lessons and language lessons. Didn’t wanna bother him. I mean...I was glad he couldn’t because I’d have ruined his feet.”

Peggy chuckles softly and so does Steve and Sousa.

Bucky doesn’t.

He has a hard time breathing. His heart is beating so loud it’s the only thing he’s hearing.

This can't be the other version. The other side of the story. Henry refused to do such a thing. He wasn't gracious. Bucky is sure of it. Not when it came to Steve anyway.

So why is Steve painting that differently?

“Bucky?”

He jerks back and sees Sousa right in his space, concern all over his face. “You okay?”

Peggy turns at Sousa’s voice. “James? Darling, are you alright?”

Bucky doesn't look at them, he stares at Steve, frozen.

“Bucky...you okay?” Steve walks up to him and almost touches his shoulder when Bucky breathes easy again. He doesn't let him touch him though and he moves back.

All three are looking at him in concern and that's when Bucky realizes what he must've looked like.

He needs to leave. Now.

“I uh...uh I gotta go to the shop. I forgot something.”

He can't go back to the apartment. He needs a different place.

“Want me to walk you there?” Steve asks.

Bucky looks at him and he doesn't know why the offer from him and the earnestness there is making him teary-eyed.

He shakes his head vehemently, backing away. “No, it's okay. I'll be fine. See you guys later.”

He turns and walks, hoping that no one is going to follow him. He needs to think straight now. To clear his mind.

But as soon as he turns a corner, he runs and runs and runs.

  
  
  
  


 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to see some inspo for the fic, you can check it out on my Tumblr [here](http://isabellajack.tumblr.com/tagged/set-in-london)


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